Illustration by Ryan Alexander-Tanner

SO, WE HAVE food carts named Built to Grill and Fried Egg I'm in Love. Apparently they're both delicious—I have no idea, because every time I drive by one of them I yell "SHUT UP!" as loud as I can. You've already got a FOOD CART in PORTLAND, now you're going to name it after a band that Nick Hornby would use to make a character seem quirky and interesting? Sew a fucking Pixies patch over your mouth and die, I used to think.

Slowly, though, I'm learning that my deep-seated distrust of all things "cool" just comes from a desire to seem even cooler than those "cool" things, and that isn't cool, Karmel. They're just fucking food carts. They want to make you a sandwich and you're angry about the name? Sew a Pixies patch over your own mouth, you cynical dufus. I'm past that. You want to name your food cart after a band you like? Fucking do it. In fact, here's a list of food carts that I'd like to see open.

• Ariel Pink's Haunted Panini

• Bite It You Scone (this would be a G.G. Allin-themed food cart, please nobody eat here)

• Godspeed You! Blackened Cajun Chicken

• Seabass Palaces

• Poi Division

• Say It Ain't Soup (Weezer and gazpacho, together at last)

• Sunny Day Really Steak

• Pho-ck the Pho-lice (for the annoying AND acceptable ways to pronounce pho!)

• BLT Soundsystem

• Portugal. The Cuisine

• Modest Mouth (tapas)

• Blitzen Cracker

• Julian Quesadillas

• PB on the Kaiser-Roll

• Kendrick Lamarshmallows

•...And You Will Know Us by the Trailmix of Dead

• El Condor Pasta

• Yusuf Is-Salami (formerly Fat Stevens)

• Roxy Foodcart

• Siouxsie and the Banh Mis

• Baohaus (this one probably exists)

• Hamspire Weekend (all right, this one is a stretch, but you'd eat somewhere that had a hamspire.)

• Titus Andronicouscous

• Japancakes

• Radiobread (specialty: OK Compumpernickel)

And finally...

• Shish Kabob Seger and the Silver Buffet Naan

Yo, if you open any of these, I get free food.