As dean of Portland Mercury Community College, I'd like to give a warm welcome to our incoming freshmen. And while I'm on the topic, I'd also like to remind you that rules are made for a REASON, and anyone found in violation of these rules—which are clearly set down in your PMCC student manual—risks suspension, expulsion, or hopefully worse. That being said, I think you'll find PMCC to be a fun and diverse institution of higher learning, dedicated to giving you the head start you'll need to pursue and obtain your sad, nonexistent future.
Here at PMCC, we believe there are three cornerstones to a student's success: (1) Dream big! Seriously, you have to dream big, because that's all you've got. Realistically, we all know you're the type of person who will never get anywhere in life—otherwise, what are you doing here at PMCC? I mean... c'mon. (2) Celebrate diversity! You know, I remember when "diversity" meant having a choice between fish sticks and sloppy joes for lunch. Nowadays, I'm contractually forced to "celebrate diversity" or have my federal funding cut. So... whoopee! Diversity, y'all! Hug a Spaniard, or something. And (3) Cheat! For reasons unknown, cheating has gotten a BAD RAP in education circles. The point is having the answers, am I right? So why is it so goddamn important that we have these answers in our heads? If for some reason you desperately need to know the Pythagorean theorem—is it really going to matter to you whether I pull it out of my head, or recite it from the bottom of my shoe? YOU JUST WANT THE INFORMATION! Memorization is a waste of time. It's why God invented the Wikipedia.
That's why the faculty, personnel, and students of PMCC have written the following Back-to-School "Cheat Sheet" guide. It is literally bulimic with the basic, most important information every new student in Portland needs. Where are the cheapest vintage clothes? We got that. Who are the most important authors to know so you don't look like a dipshit? We got that. How can you make a wilted spinach salad in your dorm room using only an iron? We got that. Plus we've also got critically important information on such wide ranging subjects as dealing with your idiot dormmate, a local music nutrition chart, where to score free movies and gay sex (two different articles actually), and there's even a clip-und-save directory that includes every conceivable service a freshman could possibly need, including condoms and nude people!
Let's face it, people, your future STINKS! And that's why PMCC is dedicated to making sure you graduate with at least a modicum of important information—on the bottom of your shoe, if not your brain.
Don't bother to thank me, just graduate and donate to the alumni fund. Oh. And celebrate diversity!
Wm. Steven Humphrey, Doctor of Edutainment