Artwork by Kurt McRobert

A YEAR HAS GONE by so fast, and so much has happened, right, Portland? Our mayor quickly disappointed us, Donald Trump is actually a presidential candidate, and my rent went up... a lot. However, Portland remains a trailblazing city of sex enthusiasts. We set records once again for having the fifth highest rate of syphilis in the nation (keep reading to see what other diseases are hot or not)! It was a pleasure reading and crunching the numbers from your completed sex surveys and I hope you had fun filling them out. So, let's find out how Portland's sexual tastes are developing, or—and let's be honest—how our fresh transplants are skewing our data. (NOTE: Not all stats add up to 100 percent because some of you didn't answer certain questions, or put in multiple answers!) Now, batten down those hatches, sex lovers, because we're going deep! But first, let's find out...


Who Are You?

Unsurprisingly, an overwhelming majority of you are young-ish: 46% are 26 to 35 years old. The next largest group are 36- to 45-year-olds at 21%, and then 21- to 25-year-olds at 16%. An unsettlingly numerous 3% of 15- to 20-year-olds took the survey, though just a couple of people aged 76 to 121—which I'm assuming are the lost spirits who roam these city streets trying to complete their unfinished business before they can pass over. (Hi, ghosts! I hope your unfinished business was learning about modern-day sexual proclivities!)

We heard you last year when you were like, "Heyyyyy, could you maybe stop asking so many questions about gender identity? This is a SEX SURVEY, not a GENDER SURVEY, right?" And we complied, because you were so cool and polite about it (and totally right). So we just asked a quick question to learn about your preferred pronoun, and what did we find? 51% go by "he," and 46% of you go by "she." Only 2% of you go by "them"—which seems light to me, particularly because we got a lot of feedback about de-emphasizing a gender binary last year. What's this?! A PARROT just flew into the room and dropped off a letter! It says: "GEE, maybe for all their public shows of support for the trans community, Portland actually is an extremely binary place." WHOA, what a weird note! I wonder who said that, because it certainly wasn't me. [Sips tea.]

More folks took the quiz from their NoPo homes (39.9%), whereas 33.4% hail from Southeast, while only 19.9% live in Northeast. Perhaps the rent is just TOO DAMN HIGH, and you're in the suburbs now, where you have plenty of company (14.1%).

Hurray, most of you have jobs: 14.2% work in the service industry, and 1.3% of you are baristas. However, 29% of you do jobs in categories that I cannot fathom; technology probably, or artisan llama butter (that's not butter made from llama milk, it's a soy butter that's for llamas to put on their toast). Meanwhile 8.5% of you are just focusing on school right now, and 2.9% of you are straight-up unemployed or "working on your first screenplay."

92% of you have been to college, at least for a little bit, while 43% of you have four-year degrees, and 3.2% of you have fancy doctorates. (Good job, Portland. Way to be Bernie Sanders' wet dream.)

And what's this? A major surprise result in the arena of sexual identity! Last year 4% identified as pansexual, and 5% identified as homosexual. This year more folks checked the homosexual box at 8.5%, while 6.7% identified as pansexual. 18.5% of Portlanders are identifying as bisexual, and, yes, while being straight is still the top percentage at 62.6%, it's down from last year, when 67% of survey-takers were straight. That means in 100 years, everybody will be some form of queer, and oh, what a happy world it will be.

Most of the folks who took this survey are attached to at least one person AND are living with a partner: 38%. The rest of you break down like this: 28% of you are married, 23.1% are single, and 14.5% are attached, not co-habitating. A surprisingly high amount, 6.7% of you, are in complicated "situations." Might I suggest you read this article with your partner and see how they respond to that statistic? Complications are for military operations and cell phones, NOT relationships. Liberate yourselves, my babies.


So How's Your Sex Life?

Most of you, 39.9%, have sex two or more times a week, but not every day like the 5.2% of you who fuck on the daily. 17% of you go sexing once a week, 13.4% are at three times a month, and 8% of you bang monthly (maybe right after you write your rent check, so you don't forget). 2.8% of you get it in a couple of times a year, and just as many people don't have sex anymore. Finally, .9% of you are virgins, and I'm so very excited for your flower to blossom.

13.5% of you are happy with the frequency of sex you're getting, but 46.9% of you want a LOT MORE SEX! 38.9% would like a smidge more sex, just a dab more—a skosh, really.

All right, Portland, time to find out how deep your "little black book" goes, and well... the truth is, most of you have NOT slept with that many people. (Who cares, it's not a competition.) About 22% of you have slept with 1 to 5 people, 19.1% of you have slept with 6 to 10 people, 14.7% of you have slept with 11 to 15 people. On the higher end of things, 6.5% of you have slept with 50 to 100 people and... 5% of you have slept with more than 100 people? That's just damned impressive! Like, how do you get anything else done? I haven't gone to the gym 100 times.

However, does your partner know your sex number? 56.1% said yes. Yay, you really know your boo!

Now, out of all of our partnered survey-takers, 72% said: Why, yes! My partner is hot in the sack. When asked what qualities you'd like to bring in to spice up your routine, 27% of you said you want to bang more often, 25% of you want your action kinkier, and 18% are looking for more romance. 57% of you love your partners' oral sex game. 7.6% of you aren't getting head from your sweetheart. If your partner would give you the green light, 35.9% of you would 100% fuck someone else, while 40% of you said you'd think about it (AKA you took the survey with your partner). 20.5% of you are happy and would never step out on your partner—even with written permission pinned to your jacket. That would be real cute.

Whatever your relationship status, 67.2% of you are sleeping with one person on the regular, and 13.1% don't have a regular partner at all. 15.8% of you are sleeping with 2 to 3 people, and 2.8% have a stable of four or more. Married people who are currently sleeping with 2 to 3 people made up 3.9% of our survey takers—you groovy swingers, you.

Most of you, at 51.7%, say your average sexual relationship lasts years, while 20.3% of you will sleep with someone for a whole year. 18.3% usually sleep with someone for a month, and 7.2% stick to one-night-stands. (OMG, did you guys see Trainwreck? You have to, you'll love it.)

Where do you meet these luuuv-ahs? 51.7% of you meet people through friends and 39% use dating websites or apps. 23.6% hook up at clubs and bars, 20% find sex through work, and for 33%, the way they meet people is totally RANDOM—which is terrifying, right? We're just drifting through space, meeting people, having sex with them... it's like, what does it all mean?

ANYWAY, of those online dating websites or apps, 29.5% use OkCupid, 21.5% use Tinder, and 10.1% still use Craigslist, because sometimes you want to get laid and buy an ottoman.

When it comes to sex with yourself, most of you, 35%, rub one out 2 to 3 times a week (male identified: 16.9%, female identified: 17.4%), 30.6% of you jerk off 4 to 8 times a week (he: 20.4%, she: 9.4%), and 25% of you diddle yourselves 0 to 1 time a week (he: 7.4%, she: 17.8%). Most of you wish you had more time to have a one-person body party, while 6.3% of you wish you didn't masturbate so much.

When it comes to your personal stimulation, 42.8% of you USE YOUR IMAGINATION! Which is so beautiful and quaint to me. One day you'll tell your grandchildren that you jerked off with only the power of your creative mind, and they'll tell you they'd prefer not to hear about that—and then you'll get put in a home. Good for you and your sexy brain. 41.7% of you watch porn to get the job done, and 6.8% of you think about a hot person you know (who isn't your partner). Naughty.


What Are You Into?

57% of you think of yourself as "somewhat adventurous" in bed, while 37% of you said you're truly letting your freak out. Let's find out if you're all talk, or do you all really live your flights of fancy?

This next answer knocked me out: 57% of you have had a threeway! More "she"-identified folks at 29.9% than "he/them"-identifieds at 25.9%. Also 31% of those folks identified as straight, which means those folks don't really know what "straight" means. 40% of you would LIKE to get into a ménage, but haven't yet. I hope 2016 is good for those who have yet to dance the Six-Legged Lambada. What's stopped you from the threeway of your dreams? 31% said you haven't had the opportunity to meet a suitable third. You're letting me down, Portland. How about an after-work dodgeball league where adults go to meet other adults who are tri-curious? Or a slow-pitch league called: Softballs, Hard Cocks.

10% of you like to be the boss of the bed, while 67% of you switch between a dominant/submissive role. 20% of you like to be submissive, which is why there are so many cars in Portland, sitting at four-way stops, just waving other cars through.

60.3% of you have had sex in public—nearly DOUBLE the amount of people from last year. 60% like to fuck with the lights on, and 61.2% of you have had sex outdoors. (Though we should have specified that your Subaru does not count as "outdoors.") Another 41.1% of you have had sex in water, an act which shall henceforth be called: Finding Nemo.

Over the years it's been a real treat to see anal enthusiasts find out they're in good company. Last year 46% of you said they enjoy anal, this year 41.6% of you said you enjoy "butt stuff." To be specific, 17.8% of you said you like it only when you are giving, 9.3% of you said only when you are receiving. 39% of you are rim-job curious, but have not sampled the forbidden sundae yet.

74.3% think it's hot to masturbate with another person and watch them watch you. A majority would say goodbye to their chances at a career in politics, because 64.6% of you think videotaping a sex act sounds hot! Other popular kinks include, in descending order of popularity: domination/submission, bondage, roleplay, group sex, slap 'n' tickle, rape fantasy. And a staggering 18.1% of you enjoy breath play! (I know I don't have to tell you to be careful, but BE CAREFUL! Sex-Mom can't be there for you all the time. Of course, if you're going to breath play I'd prefer you'd do it in the house.)

The other kinks you wrote in are: fisting, food/water/sissy play, creampie, lingerie, furry fun, diapers, fire play, Muppets, impregnation roleplay, and orgasm delay (edging). Muppets I get; Rowlf is not only hot, he's a musician and soulful.


How Do You Deal with the Consequences?

Well, my perverts, now is the part of the survey when Sex-Mom gets angry. WHY!? Because it has been longer than a YEAR since 43% of you have been tested for STDs! 9.2% of you have NEVER been tested. 17.8% of you were tested six months ago, 19.3% of you were tested in the last three months, and 7.9% of you were tested this month. (You lot are my favorite and will get the best Christmas gifts.)

Think you're invincible? Well, get ready for a reality check: 12.4% of readers have had HPV, 11% have had chlamydia, and 4.7% have herpes 2. Gonorrhea, syphilis, and HIV/AIDS had low, but real responses, so do the right thing and wrap it up—and get tested! Most of our readers visit their doctor's office, 25.5% of you seek sexual health care from Planned Parenthood, and a small percentage visit ZoomCare.

29.9% of you use condoms as your main contraceptive, IUDs came in a close second at 25%, the pill holds a strong third place at 16.5%. But sometimes these things fail, and thank god we live in Oregon, because 10% of you have had an abortion, while 22.3% of you have paid for one. In other financial news, 33.4% of you pay for your own contraceptive, but 23.7% of you split the cost with your partner. 1% of your parents pick up the check for your birth control—perhaps you could write a play about that conversation, so I could buy a ticket and watch it? Yes? Great.

10.7% have had a vasectomy, and I also found out a small percentage of the nipped are single (1.1%). Smooth move, very smooth.


Write-ins!

Some of my favorite answers for our write-in questions:

If I could get my partner to do one thing for me sexually it would be: threeway, be more dominant, go down without being asked, find my g-spot, watch another girl fuck him in the ass, wake me up with sex.

The sexual fantasy I don't tell anyone about is: rape fantasy, bisexual orgy, diaper play, double blowjob, lesbian orgy, boss fucking me, fucked by a dragon, Portland Mercury staff (we get it, and don't mind being your dirty little secret).

This year I fucked someone at: Bagdad Theater, against a car at SE 39th & Hawthorne, Clinton Street Theater... onstage, Lake Oswego Safeway, OHSU research bathroom, Ikea showroom shower, Lone Fir Cemetery. (Wow! You guys are so horny, you're preparing for the afterlife!)