We really went and shot ourselves in the foot when we asked Mercury readers to dish on the best places to have sex in Portland—turns out your favorite places are our favorite places, too! Now we all have to find new places, unless we want to be running into each other in compromising positions. Which, well—now that you mention it, wouldn't be the end of the world... It could work out. So, maybe we'll see you there? Cool... Anyway! Here are the Top Three Sexiest Spots to Have Sex—In Portland!
There's nothing that unleashes libidos like the call of nature, so it makes sense that our city's parks are havens for throbbing steaminess, overflowing with copulating couples (which is so much sexier than watching those stupid ducks crap in the Laurelhurst Park pond). In fact, yeah, parks are really very hot. You can roll around in the grass like a couple of rabid squirrels, or hide underneath the cover of woodsy shadows. Even the usually horrific sound of cawing crows will cover up your moans of pleasure. It gets even sexier when the fine drizzle starts to soak through one's tight white T-shirt. No wonder everyone's running for Forest Park—it's certainly not for the exercise... or maybe it is. But anyhoo, I have to take the dog for a walk, so maybe I'll see you down by the tennis courts.
THE SMARTPARK ON SW IOTH AND YAMHILL
First off, SmartParks are cheap. $1.25 an hour! Some snooty connoisseurs might insist that paying more for a "fancy" parking garage is worth the extra buck or two—but whichever garage you choose, you'll still be surrounded by the romantic flicker of florescent lights, the sultry shadows of utilitarian concrete, and that hairy homeless dude pissing in the stairwell. Might as well save a quarter or three, right? And the SmartPark at SW 10th and Yamhill is particularly romantic: Depending on where you park/pork, there are beautiful views of either the West Hills or of downtown's bustling cityscape. (The former's best for sweet, tender lovemaking, but you can't beat the latter if you want an audience of white-collar pervs watching from their office windows.) And even if you don't have a car, the parking garage is still a magnificent haven for "parallel parking" and "changing her oil." Trot up the stairs (dodge the aforementioned puddles of urine—or don't, if that's your thing), find a nice cool wall—or better yet, a Beamer or a Hummer—and get at it. Watch for rough spots on the wall or corners on cars (trust me, that shit can chafe) and car alarms, but other than that? Enjoy the urban garden of carnal wonders that only the SmartPark at SW 10th and Yamhill can provide.
When you want to do more than just chillax on the MAX, few things beat the thrill of public sex on public transportation! The trolly might be jolly, but with so many passengers hopping on and off (the train—not you, sicko), it's a little too risky. The bus is always a good standby, just make sure you ride at a time when passengers are few and far between. All you need to do is share a seat with your special someone and a well-placed coat over the lap will cover up all the jackin' going on under the jacket. For a safer, and sexier bet, take the good 'ole Gresham Blue Line of the MAX late at night. The good news is that the cars are usually empty, the bad news is that they are very well lit, and the worst news is that by the time you are finished with your intimate moment you will be in Gresham. But if "riding the rails" isn't enough of a thrill, get your sexual kicks on the shiny new Portland Aerial Tram instead! Overlooking the most romantic of boulevards (Barbur) your aerial escapades will have to be discreet to avoid the watchful eye of the tram's conductor. Unless, that is, you want to invite him in on the action. All aboard!