P.R. Among Thieves 

This is not an apology, just a thief who wants to clear the air with his victim. Hello, I am the person who stole your Fendi bag--the one with the "Shango Los Love Me" pin on it. Honey, what were you thinking just setting it down on the bench and turning away like that? Once again, I'm not sorry. I steal and pick pockets all the time. I'm not even sorry that it had your birth control pills, your expensive looking makeup, and your Hello Kitty address book inside. As a matter of fact, it's spoiled folks like you who make my "second job" pretty fun sometimes. Snatching purses is like finding Easter baskets. But where was your wallet, young lady?! Damn. Well, I also wanted to say that I enjoyed the pictures you had in there and have since destroyed them. They won't be popping up when your husband decides to run for office or whatever. I don't need my girlfriend to find them any more than I'm sure you need certain people to see them. Adieu, until next time....

--Anonymous

Read more I, Anonymous here

To submit your own rant, rave or confession, email anonymous@portlandmercury.com

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