In the time-honored tradition of replacing words that sound like "queer" with the actual word "queer," this year's Pride theme is "Queer We Go Again!" With a theme like that, I just couldn't help but smear my queer all over this page. Puns! Puns! PS: Sunday beats the pants off Saturday.

Saturday:

1:20 pm--Vivian's Keeper: This neither-queer-nor-there trio blends buoyant pop, driving rock, and hypnotic tribal drums for stunningly seductive results. Original, but covering enough sonic territory to appeal to a diverse audience.

3:15 pm--669: Kinky numerals aside, these dark darlings woo the crowd with intimate strains of new wave, rock, and jazz. And where would Gay Pride be without a violin or two? Music to my queers.

3:45 & 5 pm--Deaf and Hearing OUT Reach: An important non-profit organization that builds community among deaf and hearing queers and allies. You'd be surprised how many deaf people are queer. Really, really surprised.

6 pm--Bear Dance: Bring your dancing bear and watch the fur fly. Sponsored by the Oregon Bears--hairy people who live in the mountains. You won't find a friendlier group of pridesters. Proud, and proud of it!

8 pm--Hit Explosion: A gaggle of disco maniacs perform stellar covers from the '70s and '80s. Watch the mirror ball spin, and surrender yourself to the dance. Live for the now, because you know what they say--queer today, gone tomorrow.

Sunday:

1:50 pm--Police Chief Derrick Foxworth: Spend five minutes listening to Foxworth talk about why he looooves gay people. Ain't too proud to beg!

2:30 pm--Poison Waters: One of the West's premier female impersonators. Acclaimed for her electrifying audience engagement and knockout stage presence. May inspire you to impersonate females.

2:45 pm--Drago: A Chicano/Italian female-to-male Deaf Queer activist/leader. Has founded many worthwhile GLBTQ causes and serves on many boards. Come see one of Portland's most inspiring activists for social equality.

3 pm--Midori: The one and only "Ambassador of Kink." Author, educator, and sex-positive activist. Wrote a remarkable book called The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage. Let Midori help you help yourself on your path to self-acceptance (through adventurous sex).

3:25 pm--Jim David: HAHAHAHA! This witty wit-meister has joked his way to comedy stardom. Currently seen on Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, this Southern belle will have you in tears.

4 pm--Elvira Kurt: HEEHEEHEE! Voted the Funniest Female Comic at the Canadian Comedy Awards! Queerful what you wish for--Kurt'll tickle you pink before you can say CANADA IS SO F*ING GAY. A true comedic virtuosa.

HOW GAY WAS MY PARADE

Gay Pride: The moment we've all been waiting for. Bigger than Christmas! An epic gathering of gays and their cult-like followers. Bring all the creative spirit and panache you can muster and paint Portland pink. Leaves from NW 15th and Kearney, 11:15 am, Sunday.

The Dyke March: The Lesbian Avengers are back! Just kidding, they never left. Lesbians have been avenging since the dawn of time, usually while topless on motorcycles. Ride into the sunset with 1001 dykes just in time for Father's Day. You know what they say: dyke father, dyke son. Saturday, 9th and Glisan, 6:30 pm.