Queer Quiz 

Who is REALLY the Gayest of them all?

The following test (the same one taken by both Brad and Steve) is in two parts. The first consists of "factual" queries involving subjects that gays should be familiar with. For each, only one answer is correct. The second (also multiple choice) contains questions about your own gay life. No answer in this section is incorrect, though each answer carries a different weight on the faggotry scale. Good luck, you big 'mo!


1. Which Cher song contains the following line: "Both sides were against me since the day I was born."

A. "Dark Lady"

B. "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves"

C. "Half Breed"

D. "Just like Jesse James"

2. Which actress has won the fewest Academy Awards?

A. Glenda Jackson

B. Shirley MacLaine

C. Shelley Winters

D. Jessica Lange

3. Which songstress has more US Billboard number-one singles?

A. Christina Aguilera

B. Britney Spears

C. Kelly Clarkson

D. Pink

4. Which of these was NEVER named the winner of America's Next Top Model?

A. Eva

B. CariDee

C. Toccara

D. Yoanna

5. Which Spice Girl is the oldest?

A. Sporty

B. Posh

C. Ginger

D. Scary


1. Which male athletic team is most often in your fantasies?

A. Football

B. Basketball

C. Wrestling

D. Water polo

2. Which part of the United States are you from?

A. Northeast/Great Lakes

B. South/Southeast

C. Midwest

D. West

3. Whose facial hair pattern most resembles yours?

A. Gene Shalit

B. Paul Bunyan

C. Colonel Sanders

D. Haley Joel Osment

4. Which cocktail would you most likely order at a bar?

A. Rum and coke

B. Jell-O shot

C. Peppermint patty

D. Bourbon on the rocks

5. Whose ass would you rather have on/in your face?

A. Taye Diggs

B. Forest Whitaker

C. Leo DiCaprio

D. Christopher Meloni

6. How many times (since your 20th birthday) has a human male's cock been in your mouth?

A. Fewer than 10 times

B. 11-25

C. 26-50

D. More than 50

7. Add one point for each time you have attended a figure-skating competition, a cheerleading competition, or a high school musical (when you weren't in high school).

Scoring Your Queer Quiz!


(1) c. "Half Breed"

(2) b. Shirley MacLaine. Each of the other actresses has won two; MacLaine, however, has only won one (for Terms of Endearment)

(3) a. Christina Aguilera. "The Ag" has four US Billboard Hot 100 number one singles (including "Lady Marmalade"); Britney: one; Kelly: one; Pink: zero

(4) c. Toccara. Eva won Cycle Three; CariDee won Cycle Seven; Yoanna won Cycle Two

(5) c. Ginger. Ginger was born in 1972; Posh, 1974; Scary, 1975; Sporty, 1974


(1) a. three points; b. four points; c. two points; d. one point

Obviously, a male water polo team is the hottest fucking thing on earth, so you don't have to be gay to fantasize about that. On the contrary, basketball players are not appealing whatsoever (especially their uniforms). Thus, you've got to be gay to daydream about being gang-banged by a group all over 6' 6".

(2) a. one point; b. three points; c. four points; d. two points

As a rule, Midwesterners write letters to gay male publications. And, after all, there's a reason why they call them "Kansas City bowties" and "Sioux City steamers." As for the South, the meshing of gin and repression makes one's sphincter quiver for cock.

(3) a. four points; b. four points; c. four points; d. four points

All men, no matter how their facial hair is arranged (even if they wear none), are gay.

(4) a. two points; b. one point; c. four points; d. three points

One might presume that a Jell-O shot is the gayest. Au contraire, a man who (proudly) orders a Jell-O shot has only one thing in mind—pussy. A rum and coke is too unimaginative to be anything but "kinda" straight; drinking a peppermint patty is tantamount to licking Stanley Tucci's taint. Bourbon on the rocks is what I order and I'm substantially (though not entirely) homosexual. Thus, three points.

(5) a. two points; b. four points; c. one point; d. three points

To eat Forest Whitaker's ass means that you REALLY like to eat men's asses. DiCaprio's ass isn't really male; an answer of Taye Diggs, though his ass is so so sweet, is somewhat predictable (which fags ain't). If there were a "correct" answer to this question, it would most definitely be "d."

(6) a. one point; b. two points; c. three points; d. four points

I originally believed that "c" should earn more than "d." "More than 50" seems to me like the answer of a show-off (which fags ain't). However, "scientificity" outweighs "displaced aggression" in this case.

(7) This one is self-explanatory.


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