Here's a funny practical joke for all you pranksters out there: Next time you're out at the titty bars with your friends, grab a handful of those stripper mags full of escort ads that they always have by the front door, then cram them under your friend's car seat without him knowing--thus ensuring that they won't turn up until a really awkward moment days later in the Trader Joe's parking lot! (Note to Jerry: Real funny, asshole! The last thing I need right now is for my wife to find that reprehensible filth!)

Anyhow, when the Mercury asked me to write about Portland's three main stripper mags, I headed to the old underwear drawer and pulled out the souvenirs of Jerry's completely misogynistic punking:

Exotic vs. Exotic Underground

You'd expect this competition to be a post-fem version of the Betty vs. Veronica schism, but it turns out that the two are fairly interchangeable. Exotic (aboveground) actually features an essay by the underground writer Nick Tosches in which he calls Rudy Giuliani a "Tit Nazi," as well as a truly fascinating piece about "feeders." Feeders, I have learned, are guys whose fetish involves force-feeding fat women until they practically explode. ("Jeb" says that his fixation began as a child, watching the portly "Lulu" on Hee-Haw). Exotic Underground, despite the name, isn't any more subversive--or any less fascinating--than its mainstream sibling. EU sports a brilliantly titled essay called "Queefer Madness: Clearing the Air About Pussy Farts," in which the following terms were used: "didgeridoo-like performance," "belching cuntflaps," and "poony-ya-ya quacks."

SFX Monthly

Some free advice for the folks at SFX Monthly: Don't worry about publishing original content if you don't want to. Judging from your current issue, you didn't have shit to say, so throw in some photos of naked chicks and skip the writing. Here's what the July issue had to offer for non-advertising content: Under the bold "Conspiracy" heading, there was a nearly incomprehensible article about a new law banning porn on cell phones in Australia, an anonymously written review of the new BMW B5, and a three-page Penthouse Forum-y story. ("Sharon slipped her entire hand inside her center as her thighs pressed into mine, and let loose another blast of cum, blowing deep inside her shithole.") So really, SFX, either step that writing up another notch, or (better yet) give us more skin. We don't mind. Really. And Jerry: How about on Saturday, I'll just meet you at the club?