This Week's Question: What Are You Grateful for This Thanksgiving?
I'm grateful for my family, my friends, and most of all, my best friend Captain Purrcard! He's my cat!
—Ken Bunn, 10, Northwest Portland
Here's a fun fact about kitties, kid: Only assholes put their goddamn cats in the same sentence as their friends and family! That drooling bag of fat and fur is merely exploiting you for food and shelter—and if cat syphilis hadn't already rotted out its tiny little brain, it'd also resent you for giving it such a bullshit name! How long do you think that fuckwit fleabag would "love" you if you forgot to feed it, you prepubescent moron? If you guessed "two seconds," you're slightly less of an imbecile than I thought. Still a pretty big imbecile, though.
I'm thankful my boss invited me to her family's Thanksgiving dinner! Now I just have to decide what to bring—candied yams or my world-famous mashed potatoes?
—Hillary Vaughn, 34, Southwest Portland
Wow, what a surprise—a single, sadsack 34-year-old has nowhere to go on Thanksgiving except her boss' house? HA! Hey, imbecile—pass the green beans, and file those quarterly reports! Ha ha! By the way, unless you're Martha Motherfucking Stewart, your shit-ass recipe for mashed potatoes is hardly "world famous." So my advice is to not take anything, and instead do what you do best: Shuffle over to Fred Meyer, buy a can of cranberry sauce, stir it into a Lean Cuisine, and eat in front of Netflix so you don't depress the fuck out of your boss' family.
Given recent events in Paris, Beirut, Mali, and Egypt, I'm having a hard time thinking of things to be thankful for this year. Any tips?
—David Walton, 26, Beaverton
Wow. Way to shit all over the pumpkin pie, you joyless turd. It's Thanksgiving, shit for brains! It's a time of year when even mopey asshats like you are able to find some happiness in this clogged toilet of a planet! I swear to fucking christ, the fucking nerve of some people, going around and trying to ruin other people's Thanksgivings. Imbeciles like you are worse than ISIS.