HI. I'm Francine Colman-Gutierrez. You are wrong about the following things:
Eggnog: You're wrong. It's gross.
Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" is the best holiday song: Wrong. It's "Jingle Bell Rock" as sung by the cast of Mean Girls.
Hipster Santa: I'll allow it. (Why should Santa have to conform to your outdated stereotypes?)
Christmas cards: Wrong. No one wants to open their mailbox and see your face.
Ugly Sweaters: You were wrong then, you are wrong now.
"Jack Frost Nipping at Your Nose": Jack Frost better get the fuck away from my nose.
Spending time with family during the holidays: In what universe is this not a wrong idea?
Chanukah: Wrong. It's spelled "Hanukkah," old-timer.
Advent calendars: Please. You don't even know what an "advent" is.
Candles for gifts: I love this idea.
Baby Jesus: Meh. I've seen cuter virgin births.
It's a Wonderful Life is the best Christmas movie: Sure, if you've never seen Die Hard.
Die Hard is the best Christmas movie: Ugh, please. Now you're just being fashionably ignorant.
Candy canes: Stale.
Gift cards: Lazy.
Peacock Lane: This was a good use of someone's time and energy.
White Christmas: Check your privilege, honky.
Ice skating: You're wrong, because you suck at ice skating, and you know it.
Jim Carrey's How the Grinch Stole Christmas: It's actually really good.
Kissing underneath the mistletoe: Wrong, unless it's with your boss, or someone else's husband.
Bars that close on Christmas: Ohhhh, so wrong.
Atheists: Christmas rules, atheists drool.