I am wondering when the best time is to mention being in an open relationship to new girls. I'm a 27-year-old straight guy who's been in an open relationship for six years. I often seek out extracurricular activities, but I am unsure of how to bring up my situation without doors closing. I wrote to a seduction blogger who often writes about open relationships, and his advice was to not mention it until I've had sex with the girl a few times and to not bring them to my apartment that I share with my girlfriend. This feels contrary to my nature, which is very straightforward, but is it perhaps the better method? Indeed, many of my "potentials" have been scared away when they learn of my relationship status. What are your thoughts?
Straightforward Honesty Offends Potentials
If your goal is to maximize the amount of pussy in your life without regard for the feelings of the women who happen to be attached to those pussies, SHOP, then you should definitely take the advice of the PUA ("pickup artist") blogger. But that's only if you wanna be a huge asshole who gets tons of pussy. If you wanna be a decent dude who gets more than enough pussy—and "enough is as good as a feast," as Mary Poppins says—then you'll listen to me.
Tell "potentials" after the third hang/date/whatever. Let them get to know you, then spill—before fucking but after they've made a small emotional investment. They'll be more likely to reconsider prejudices against guys in open relationships after they've gotten to know a semi-straightforward one and perhaps be less quick to slam the door.
But unless it's a clear case of drunken-one-night-stand/NSA encounter, no lying by omission. No matter what the PUA/POS blogger says. Most single people up for fucking a new person a few times are seeking someone with long-term potential. There are lots of single people out there seeking sex for sex's sake, of course, but a majority of sex-for-sex's-sake types are hoping to leverage it into something more at some point. And most single people make the reasonable assumption that the people they're fucking are single—otherwise they wouldn't be fucking them, right? If you neglect to inform the women you fuck that you're not single (you've got a girlfriend) or emotionally available (you're in an open relationship, not a poly one), you are taking advantage—and needlessly! There are plenty of women in open relationships and/or poly relationships, as well as women looking only for sex. And while you might have to work a little harder to find them, SHOP, you'll have better sex with less drama—and you'll spend fewer millennia in purgatory burning off your sins.
I'm a 30-year-old straight woman, and I've been with my male partner for four years. Here's what's bugging me: The sex has gotten predictable. But it's also gotten better in that I orgasm a much greater percentage of the time, now that he knows my body. But in the service of that, we've fallen into a "tried-and-true" rut. I try to switch it up, and I surprised him with some sexy lingerie last night... and I got self-conscious, started to worry about whether I'd get off, and then didn't. I know he really likes it when I get off, but I don't want for us to have such a limited repertoire. So which do we give preference to: variety or orgasms?
Rutting Or Undertaking Totally
Interesting New Experiences?
Your "tried-and-true" repertoire may feel like a bit of a rut, ROUTINE, but it's a successful rut. You both enjoy the sex you're having, and you come way more often than you used to. There are worse problems—and all you need to solve your repertoire problem is perspective and patience.
You have two competing and conflicting interests: You want to come regularly (because of course you do) and you get off consistently when you stick to your routine, but you also want to try new things. But trying new things—even something as low-stakes as fucking in frillier underpants—makes it difficult for you to come. My advice would be to relax and give yourself permission to not come when you're trying something new. Constantly remind yourself that new things you both enjoy will be incorporated into your routine. And when things that work for you both join the ranks of the tried-and-true, you'll be able to come while you're doing them. This is a problem that solves itself.
And remember: You don't have to stop doing the shit that works now. Let's say you try something new on Wednesday—new kink, new locale, new hole—but you don't come. So the next time, ROUTINE, stick to the already "tried-and-true" stuff that gets you there consistently.
My best friend has a girlfriend of two years. They break up a lot, and he has slept with other girls. I've had a crush on him for about three years, but I never made any advances. We did have a threesome with a girl in March—he was broken up—but it was all about the girl and nothing happened between us. He got back with his girlfriend after that. Then last month, he and I had sex. We had been drinking, he initiated it, and neither of us came. It was awkward, and we didn't talk for a week. Then we bumped into each other, and he came home with me and we had sex again. I came this time, but he drank too much and couldn't. Then three weeks ago, I initiated it and we did it again. This time he came. The next day, he said the "gay sex stuff" had to stop. He said he felt like he was cheating on his girlfriend. But later that same night, he started getting flirty with me and seemed to be on the verge of initiating again. I still want to sleep with him. Do you think that he may have freaked out about liking it too much? Could he be developing feelings? I can tell that he has had sex with a guy before—it slid in pretty easy and he kept saying how good it felt. I'm so confused on what to do!
Boys Easing Sex Tension Secretly
Maybe it would help if you told your friend you're not having gay sex—you're having hot, sweaty bi sex, just without an accommodating/exonerating girl present. As for what to do...
You might wanna look around for some other guy—maybe even a gay one—whom you can have a crush on and slide into. But I'm not going to push you, because it's clear you've got feelings for this guy and at the least he's got Feelings While Drunk for you. And while I should probably scold you both for fucking around behind his girlfriend's back, BESTS, I have a hunch you're a bunch of teenagers and/or very young adults. So you're getting a pass because this bullshit is often a necessary rite of passage for kids still figuring out who they are, what they want, and who they can trust. But I predict this will end badly, and you will one day look back on the bi three-ways, the gay two-ways, and the way you once believed "breaking up a lot" was evidence of a passion that could not be denied (when in actual fact it's evidence of a couple of twats who cannot be endured) and be deeply embarrassed. But in the meantime, enjoy sliding in.
On the Savage Lovecast, hear Dan and YouTube sensation Arielle Scarcella go full lesbian: savagelovecast.com.