Savage Love 

Teenage Kicks

I'm an 18-year-old guy with an awesome kinky girlfriend. She likes getting tied up, blindfolded, spanked, and just about anything else we can think of. It's awesome. My question is this: We were watching some BDSM porn and they used these awesome contact lenses that worked as blindfolds because they were completely opaque. I've searched high and low and cannot find them. Help us out!

Ropes Should Come Included

P.S. I guess I wrote in to brag a little, too.

You searched high and low for opaque contact lenses without any luck. Really? Because just .28 seconds after I Googled "opaque contact lenses," RSCI, I was clicking through a dozen websites that sell opaque contact lenses. "Please note, you are not able to see through these lenses," one site warned. "Unless you want to find out how it is to be blind," read the disclaimer on another, "wear a white-out contact lens in one eye only." So it would seem that bragging was the only reason you wrote in.

Politicallyspeaking, RSCI, this may not be the best time for teenagers to gloat about the totally awesome, amazingly kinky, and sinfully premarital sex they're having. A study released last week showed that the rate of teen sexual activity, which had long been in decline, stopped falling in 2001—despite the hundreds of millions of dollars the Bush administration has poured into abstinence education over the last 10 years.

"The percentage of teenagers having intercourse began to plateau in 2001 and has failed to budge since," wrote the Washington Post. "Experts are unsure of the reasons for the change, but [point to] the possibility that some irreducible portion of the teenage population can never be dissuaded from having sex."

Hello, George W. Bush? You've spent hundreds of millions of dollars trying to dissuade teenagers from having sex and what are teenagers like RSCI doing? Bragging about all the awesome sex they're having. Are you going to stand for that? Or are you finally going to get serious about winning the war on teenage sex?

If you believe that premarital sex is always wrong, Mr. President, then act like it. The current status quo is unacceptable! We can't continue to spend hundreds of millions of dollars trying to talk teenagers into remaining abstinent while their gonads and hormones implore them to do the opposite.

The time has come to take the fight to the hormones, Mr. President. The time has come to chemically castrate American teenagers.

Instead of wasting money on failed abstinence-education programs, Mr. President, put Depo-Provera and Tamoxifen, the two most effective chemical-castration drugs, into products consumed by teenagers—Doritos, Mountain Dew, lip gloss, and Axe body spray. A chemical-castration program would not only be cheaper and more effective than your failed abstinence-education programs, Mr. President, it would also lower rates of sexually transmitted infections, decrease the number of unwanted pregnancies, save souls, prevent hurricanes, and spare elected officials who can't have kinky sex themselves anymore (thanks to fallout from the D.C. Madam scandal) from having to listen to teenagers like RSCI brag about all the kinky sex they're having.

I'm a 27-year-old lesbian, and my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. When I moved out, I left the sex toys I knew were hers and took the rest. The first night she was back after I left, she texted me to ask for specific toys back! I made some insensitive comments about how I took the toys because I thought I might find someone who actually wanted to have sex with me, and she got angry. I ended up giving her all the toys back because I didn't want them anymore after the argument.

What should the etiquette be around sex toys when two women break up, especially when strong feelings are involved?

Babe In Toyless Land

The etiquette around the division of sex toys after a breakup is the same that applies to the division of any property post-breakup, BITL. The splitting couple has a tense discussion about divvying up their shared property; if an agreement can't be reached, they sue the shit out of each other. It would be foolish to sue an ex over a dusty collection of strap-ons and vibrators, of course, as replacing the average sex-toy collection would be less expensive than a lawsuit. But exes have taken each other to court over dumber shit—custody of dogs, cats, kids, etc.

In the very same column in which you observed that "people tend to write to me when they have problems," you wrote that all straight women are reluctant to give head. "[Like] many straight men, [Josh] Marshall doesn't see blowjobs as a pleasurable activity for the blower. That's what a lifetime of getting head from straight women can do to a guy." And where did you get the @&#*^@ idea that straight women don't like giving head? From people with problems who write in to you! Guys married to women who love giving head don't write in and complain! Hello?!

I am a straight woman—AND I LOVE GIVING HEAD. I love cock. All of my girlfriends LOVE giving head. And we are good at it! So the next time you are tempted to say something based on the information you get from the people with problems who write in to you, ask yourself, "Hmmm. Do I actually know this to be true? Or is it just sexist bullshit?"

This Woman Grooves On The Mouth Feel In Canada

P.S. My sign-off is a mouthful on purpose!

Good points, TWGOTMFIC: I only get letters from straight men with complaints about the head they're not getting and/or the reluctant head they are getting. My sample is hopelessly skewed and I apologize for the crack.

But while we're on the subject, TWGOTMFIC, I would like to say this to women who don't give head, or give it badly in hopes of never being asked to give it again, thus prompting their boyfriends and husbands to write me about their problems, thereby hopelessly skewing my sample: You do realize, ladies, that oral-sex-free marriages are reviving the long-moribund institution of "trade," i.e., gay men giving head to straight men? The internet has made it incredibly easy for straight men to get free, NSA oral sex whenever they like—provided they're capable of clamping their eyes shut and thinking about pussy while another man goes down on them. And judging from the ads online, more and more straight men are becoming "trade capable" every day.

And, yes, many straight men who complain about not getting blowjobs have only themselves to blame. It's impossible to know just how many orally deprived straight guys would be getting blown—and blown enthusiastically—if it weren't for poor personal hygiene, little and/or lousy cunnilingus, and just general assholery, but doubtless it's a significant percentage.

A new Savage Love podcast is available for listening every Saturday at portlandmercury.com/podcasts.

mail@savagelove.net.

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