SE FOSTER 

Meth and Bon Jovi

There's always a place in town where your mother warns you not to go. SE Foster's definitely got that rap, and never being one to heed my mother's warnings, I was off to drink myself silly.

We started at the Trap (3805 SE 52nd), which was packed at 8 pm on a Friday. It was a friendly little bar with a huge soft-tip darts tournament going on. We played video trivia, and noticed that previous winners had names like "Deadanimal," "Leaking," and "Sloppybox."

Ten blocks later we hit up Cosmos (6219 SE Foster), where we saw a super perky bartender with huge boobs. Cosmos had recently opened, which explained the cleanliness.

Bob & Alice's (6517 SE Foster) was awesome. Not only was Diane, one of my favorite bartenders, working there but also it had a bar that looks like a schooner with horizontal wood paneling. Some woman behind us was insisting that her dad wouldn't let her marry anyone but a potato farmer. Go sister Idahoan.

O'Malleys (6535 SE Foster) was next. Tons of pool tables here, surrounded by stick-wielding hippies. We left right quick.

Red's Bar & Grill (7025 SE Foster) reminded me of a Shari's—it even has the same trapezoidal-shaped windows, but Shari's never had Ozzy playing. Plus, I saw a tranny who looked like Joan Jett, which was fucking awesome!

At Brown's (6526 SE Foster), some meth dude rocking no shirt or shoes was ranting outside. He was waving a metal pole and shouting gibberish at us. Scuttling past him we were greeted with the sounds of Bon Jovi. Our bartender was nice and we had a prolonged conversation about superheroes.

On the heels of our near meth attack, we scooted down to Smokey's Tavern (5522 SE Foster). The bartender told us that someone had just got shot in the apartments behind the bar. This might have salted my game if David Hasselhoff hadn't appeared on the TV at that exact moment. All was still right.

Our last stop: Devil's Point (5305 SE Foster). According to witnesses, I drank three shots of Maker's and my boyfriend had to walk me home. What I do remember: some dude bought me a drink, a pretty naked girl danced to Oingo Boingo, and I leaned my head on an outside picnic table for 20 minutes. If only my mother could've seen me then.

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