Self-Hell 

Analysis for People on the Go

Do I Have Graduation Anxiety?

It's May. And even as you read this, millions of high school seniors are preparing to take their last wobbly steps through the safe, warm womb of childhood before entering the screaming white light of the real world. Perhaps you are one of them. Scared shitless? You should be! A little nervousness is perfectly normal. But what IS an appropriate level of psychic-malaise? Take this easy true/false quiz and find out! Good luck!

T F I was going to go to the Air Force Academy, but I rethought it after I was sodomized during my admissions interview.

T F I keep track of the unemployment rate in my day planner.

T F I was wait-listed by six colleges, including PCC.

T F I am considering the Peace Corps.

T F I am considering Americacorps.

T F I am considering the Marine Corps.

T F I have watched Say Anything six times in the last week.

T F I've been faking a severe spinal deformity through high school to get out of P.E.

T F The band teacher is my boyfriend.

T F The New York Times withdrew my internship when they learned I had never been to Maryland.

T F The best summer job I could get is smuggling immigrants over the border in large trucks.

T F I am considering a triple major.

T F My parents won't let me take my pony to Northwestern.

T F I have spent over a thousand dollars on dorm room crap from Target.

T F I am going to Burning Man and my parents can't stop me.

T F I still haven't taken the SATs.

Did you answer "true" to ten or more of the above? Chances are you have the appropriate level of graduation anxiety. People suffering from graduation anxiety often get along well with people suffering from panic attacks, small, nervous-seeming dogs, and people who are fans of John Hughes movies. They do not get along well with valedictorians, people with five-year plans, or their elder siblings. There is no cure for graduation anxiety. Though it does go into remission, it often reappears at four-year intervals.

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