Illustration by Amelia Harnas

Welcome once again to the Mercury's annual Sex Survey Results Issue—where we probe the minds and pantaloons of Portland to find out who does what, where, when, and how in the sack! A month ago we asked our citizens to fill out our breathtakingly complete sex survey at portlandmercury.com. We then gathered up the results, fed them into the Mercury Sex-puter 2000 (version 2.0), and now hold in our hot sticky hands the most comprehensive database of dirtiness ever compiled by humankind! HAAA! HAAA! HAAAAAAAA! O, SWEET, UNBRIDLED POWER!!!

Anyway. Let's get to the dirty parts. But first a disclaimer: The following percentages have been rounded up, and have a plus or minus reliability of 3%. If all percentages don't add up to 100, don't embarrass yourself by writing in and reminding us of this fact. It only means that a few people either didn't vote, or got so horny they voted twice. Now, let's do this thing!

MEET JOE AND JANE PORTLAND

For the purposes of this article, "Joe and Jane Portland" will represent the average person filling out this survey. So what's "average"? SO GLAD YOU ASKED!

Very nearly 2,200 people filled out the Mercury Sex Survey this year, with the lion's share being between the ages of 21-30 (62%). More women than ever took the survey (a whopping 60% to the men's 39%)—which makes me happy, because women are statistically less likely to answer a question with "Your mother."

Now many of you (that is, Joe and Jane Portland) may be wondering: "Where do all the sexy people live? (Because I want to move there and have sex with them.)" Well, Joe and Jane, you'll be interested to know that most of our participants live in North/Northeast (38%) and Southeast (34%). How do we know they're sexy? Well, first of all, they participated in this survey, meaning they have at least a passing interest in the subject—as opposed to those who live in Northwest (10%) and downtown (2%) who do not. Secondly, the official sexual position of both North and Southeast Portland is "doggy style" (25%), which is clearly the sexiest of all sexy positions. Meanwhile, the predominant sexual position in Northwest and downtown is missionary. Any further questions?

YOUR "SEXUALITY"

Now, while Joe and Jane Portland may be primarily straight (68%), they certainly aren't narrow, as a good 20% of you love diddling with BOTH genders. (That's called bisexuality, or bi-diddly... if you prefer.) And if you've been bitching and moaning about there not being enough singles in this town—it's time to clap your yap. Thanks probably to the influx of newbies infiltrating Portland (26% arrived since 2007!), there are POOP-TONS of singles out there (31%), willing and ready to do it doggy style. Especially in the North and Southeast. (Meanwhile, 15% of Joes and Janes are married, and 29% are in relationships of one form or another. However, some of these are willing to do it doggy style with you also—since 20% prefer a non-monogamous relationship.)

YOUR HISTORY OR HERSTORY

If you are currently the parent of a pubescent, get ready for some disheartening news: There's an excellent chance your teen is going to get kissed, fingered, handjobbed, orally gratified, penetrated, and orgasmed by the time they're 15. At least if YOU are any indication!

The average age you first got romantically kissed was under 15 years of age (51%). Meanwhile the majority of you got fingered/handjobbed, and orally licked for the first time before you reached your 17th birthday (36 & 37%). And while most waited until almost 20 years old to be penetrated (39%), you were thinking about it looooooong before then, since you started masturbating and orgasming at the young age of 13 or less (36%). Look. "Orgasming" is a word. So climb down off my ass.

Lies (or medical ignorance, if you prefer) hit an all-time high this year with our participants either blatantly fibbing about their STDs—or gleefully ignoring them. Basically, nobody has anything. Not even herpes—which I KNOW more than 3% of you have. In fact, you claim the worst sexual problem you've ever had was PREGNANCY (20%).

I can only hope your aborted fetus doesn't live to hear that.

YOUR "FEELINGS"

How do Joe and Jane Portland "feel" about various topics of sexuality? Well, as the local Fox news affiliate might say, "The answer MAY surprise you!" First we start with every adult male's favorite topic, CIRCUMCISION. You know how women (and certain men) are always claiming they don't care if a man is circumcised or not? Well... THEY LIE! In our survey, women wholeheartedly are in favor of less meat on a man (63% pro to 34% con), if it will make that oily schlong look tidier. Now that you mention it, that makes a lot of sense: If a woman can't get a man to pick up his dirty underpants off the floor, at least she'll be able to count on a tidy penis.

Speaking of not being so tidy, let's talk MENSTRUATION. Popular lore has it that men vomit into their shirt pockets at the slightest mention of menstrual blood. How do they really feel? A whopping 69% are all like "whatever" when it comes to having sex while a woman is menstruating! Now. Aren't you girls ASHAMED about making your man cut off his foreskin? Well, you should be.

BTW, did you know 1% of Portland men wear panties? I didn't. (What do they know that we don't?)

Want another shocking statistic? YES, YOU DO! When it comes to women achieving orgasm solely from penetration, only about 19% of gals are able to do it. Meanwhile 28% come close (get it?), and 15% never do. SO RELAX, FELLAS! Do your business, hop off, and run to Dairy Queen to pick her up an Oreo Blizzard. She'll take care of the rest.

While we're on the subject of unrealistic expectations, 35% of men really aren't too sure if their current partner has faked their orgasm or not. Conversely, 29% of women adamantly claim they're not faking anything! Wait... this statistic just in... oh. It seems that 22% of women are in actuality faking their o's. Trust me guys: Just bring her back a Dairy Queen Blizzard—that's all she really cares about anyhow.

Okay, on the off chance that Joe and Jane Portland DO have sexual coitus, HAVE achieved sexual release, AND Dairy Queen is closed, what would you guess is the first thing they'd do upon completion? Pee, scratch, wipe off, smoke, get dressed, cuddle, or cry? You'd think "cuddle," right? WRONG! Portland sexy people know there's nothing sexy about letting your personal swamp drip all over your lover—so they wipe, Wipe, WIPE! (36%, and then 34% cuddle. Awwww....)

HOW YOU DO IT WHEN YOU DO IT

As previously mentioned, Portland does it doggy style. However! That's not all we like. For example, 55% love to hear a ceaseless barrage of dirty cuss words spilling from their partner's mouth during the act. Oh! You like that do you? I bet you do, you filthy little slut! (Hey... why are 45% of you walking away?)

Another thing you like to do? Copy moves you've seen in porn flicks! Men and women seem to equally enjoy (29% to 26%) emulating the moves they've seen on movies or the internet. I do, too, but my lovers keep asking me to stop whenever I sing "Chocolate Rain." (Maybe they thought "Chocolate Rain" meant something else?)

Remember how in 2005, rimjobs were the big thing? (I do.) Well, you'll be happy to know that in 2008, the blowjob and muffdive are making big comebacks! According to our poll 40% of respondents are cocksucking crazy for oral sex, while 46% are huge fans. As for that annoying 4% who "enjoy oral sex almost as much as a migraine," maybe you should consider moving to Northwest Portland. Because on the North or Southeast side? We love oral sex AND doing it doggy style! (And did I mention happily masturbating in front of our partners? No? A stunning 76% of us happily masturbate in front of our partners.)

OKAY. Now I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that MY lovers think I'm awesome at sex. The bad news is that YOUR lovers think you could "use a little work." That's not to say your lover isn't generally satisfied with the quality of your performance (45% are). It's more of a "quantity" issue—in that 36% of the partners out there want more of what you've got to give. So that's good advice for 2008, which will heretofore be known as "The Year for Putting Out." Remember what my Burger King boss used to say to me: "If you've got time to lean, you've got time to be sexually demeaned."

SEX: IT'S A COMPETITION!

Joe and Jane Portland are always fretting over whether or not they're getting penetrated or fingered enough. I know how you feel—I'm always looking for my next finger. However, are our expectations realistic? The majority of Portlanders have had penetrative sex with different people somewhere between 11-15 times so far in their lives... which is great for me, because I've had sex with 16 different people. Unless you said 17, in which case I would suddenly remember I've done it 18 times. (You get the general idea.) And while handjobs and fingerings took a slight dip this year (with only 23% actively administering them), you should remember that handjobs make GREAT Christmas gifts.

Another thing Joe and Jane are always freaking out about is the number of times they have sex on a regular basis—because it's not a competition, right? WRONG! It is so too a competition, and you should be "in it to win it!" But before you develop performance anxiety, check out this sobering stat: The majority of our respondents (49%) are only boinking once a week. Surely you can beat that! You just need the proper motivation. Here's a picture of Angelina Jolie to help you get started.

Man. Those lips could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. Anyway, before we leave the subject, it should be noted that masturbation is usually NOT a competition (except in my household), and you should do that whenever the mood strikes. For the majority of you (47%), that's currently a weekly exercise.

So what are you fantasizing about during your masturbatathons? Well, if our survey is any indication, it's ORAL SEX. You're fascinated with the stuff! So much so, in fact, that if there's anything you want more of from your partner, it's a lot more sucky and licky! A whopping 52% of you want more oral—eclipsing the number two wish which was "more kinky sex" at 8%! That being said... please refer again to the picture of Angelina Jolie. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

THE REALLY DIRTY PART!

Now we've arrived at the most popular part of our survey, where YOU write in your answers to our most nosy questions! We asked you...

Hey Straight Men and Lesbians! If forced to choose, which male celebrity would you most like to boink?

(10) Barack Obama. (9) Ryan Reynolds. (8) Justin Timberlake. (7) Adrien Brody. (6) Daniel Radcliffe. (5) Brad Pitt. (4) George Clooney. (3) Johnny Depp. (2) Jake Gyllenhaal. And your #1 male celeb that men and lesbos would like to boink? HEATH LEDGER. (Eww. Let's assume you answered that a few weeks ago.)

Honorable mention: "The corpse of Rerun from What's Happening!!"

Hey Straight Ladies and Gays! If forced to choose, which female celebrity would you most like to boink?

(10) Beyoncé. (9) Alyson "Willow from Buffy" Hannigan. (8) Salma Hayek. (7) Keira Knightley. (6) Jessica Alba. (5) Natalie Portman. (4) Cate Blanchett. (3) Maggie Gyllenhaal. (2) Scarlett Johansson. And your #1 female celeb that ladies and gays would like to boink? ANGELINA JOLIE.

Honorable mention: "That lady from the Orbit gum commercial."

What's the best place to have public sex in Portland?

Apparently, in the alleyway outside my building. • The laundry room. • High schools on weekends. • Photo booth at the Ace Hotel. • Portland Tub & Tan. • Angels/Ace of Hearts. • Bathrooms at rontoms, Bluehour, Thatch, Crow Bar, Doug Fir, Fez Ballroom, Holocene, Trader Joe's (Hollywood location), Scientology building, OMSI. • Burnside Skatepark. • Calvary Chapel Cemetery. • Forest Park, Mt. Tabor Park, Laurelhurst Park, Washington Park, any park. • Macy's dressing room at Lloyd Center. • On top of the Smart Parks. • Oregon/Paris Theaters. • Glass elevators in the parking garages. • PSU gym locker room. • Corn maze. • Airport family bathroom. • Pearl room at Powell's. • Roundabout in Ladd's Addition. • Your mom/ mom's vagina/mom's house/mom's mouth/your dad.

What's the craziest place you've ever had sex?

With a minor in front of a police station. • Top of Mount St. Helens. • Delta flight 200 to Rome. • In the forest with a family of raccoons watching. • The back of a horse. • South Dakota. • Port-a-potty. • Roof of a McDonald's. • Roman convent. • On top of Larry Flynt's executive office desk. • On the cold stone at Cold Stone Creamery. • In the rafters of a church during service. • In the car while my mom drove. • In the bedroom next to where my husband was asleep. • In a model shower in the Ikea showroom. • Gave my boyfriend a blowjob during church service. • Former minority leader Tom Daschle's pool. • A group home for retardeds. • In the middle of a small lake. He jerked off in the water and a baby fish gobbled it right up! • At a porn shop while watching zombie porn. • Your mother/your mom/your mom's ass/your dad's coffin.

I'm ashamed to say that, sexually, I'm kind of into...

Amputees/girls with disabilities. • Anal sex—both ways. • Autofellatio. • I'm a lesbian turned on by gay erotica. • I like being choked, grabbed, slapped, tied up, and cussed at. • Hot dads. • Rape fantasies. • Strap-ons • Watching men finish. • Women's rectums. • 17-year-old Christian virgins. • Two men at once. • Ann Romano. • Emo/thin pansy boys kissing. • Anorexic girls. • Being molested while I pretend to sleep. • Being publicly forced to admit what makes me ashamed. • Being squirted on. • Being with a girl, while my husband watched. • Bi sex and fat chicks. • Breastfeeding. • Cops. • Cream pies. • Cuddling with dogs (just cuddling!). • Daddy/daughter roleplaying. • Effeminate men who let me plow them with a strap-on. • Fabric Depot • Girls with guns. • Giving choad hickies. • Jacking off at adult theaters. • Knee-high socks. • Lesbian domination. • My uncles. • Romance. • Rimjobs. • Star Trek D/S roleplay. • Super butches. • Thug dudez. • Your mom/mom's vagina/mom's booty /your dad watching me do your mom.

The sexiest thing I did in 2007 was...

Two girls, two coasts, 12 hours. • Three-way with my friend and his wife. • Fell in love. • Sex with my boss in a hotel paid for by work. • Sex with another man while my partner watched. • Let my boyfriend strip me on the street. • Masturbated at work, then at home made my boyfriend smell and lick my fingers. • Sex on the hood of a truck. • Webcam sex. • A hot three-way in a theater. • Banged a chick I met online at her boyfriend's house. • Ate cake naked. • Gave a boy anal with my vibrator. • Gave oral to a straight guy. • Sex in the park overlooking a Christian group having a picnic. • Fingerbanged by a minor on a train. • Held Morrissey's hand. • Jacked off at work while someone watched. • Made out with a (step) relative. • Put my leg behind my head at a lesbian bar. • Tape recorded sex and took naughty pictures. • Went dancing wearing a short skirt and no underwear. • Your mom/mom's dentures/mom's butthole/mom's mom while your mom watched/your mom (and I'll do her again in 2008!).

What's this fascination with my mom?

Until next year, stay "sexy" Joe and Jane Portland!