Citizens of Portland: There is a new trend sweeping the nation, and that trend is called "Nobody gets to sit around on their ass anymore." Recently, California Governor Gray Davis received such a wake-up call and is being subjected to a recall vote from his very own state. Even our own Mayor Vera Katz (who has been sitting on her ass as far back as anyone can remember) has become the target of two local groups intent on removing her from leadership via a similar recall vote.
What does this mean for the average person in power? That nothing will be taken for granted anymore: even if you've enjoyed immense popularity, the fickle people of our country can suddenly turn on you via a recall vote, and send you tumbling into the oily, disgusting dumpster of obscurity.
And since the Portland Mercury doesn't want to be on the receiving end of such a vote, we've decided to become the new facilitators of all recall votes in the Portland area. Do you feel someone or something has overstayed their welcome? Let us know, and we'll put it to a citywide vote via the Mercury "Recall Voting Lab."
This month we're asking the question: Should Pabst Blue Ribbon be recalled as "Portland's Favorite Beer?" Personally, we love its tasty yellow fluidity as it washes down our throats on a hot night in the clubs. However, there has been some mumbling amongst certain factions of night clubbers, saying that PBR is "played," that people who wear PBR t-shirts are "wack," and that other brands of cheap, watery beer are far superior and "the shizznit."
Therefore! Since the new rule is "nobody gets to sit on their ass," we will put this weighty topic to a vote. Do you believe Pabst Blue Ribbon should be recalled as "Portland's Favorite Beer?" Read the following platforms weighing the pros and cons of Pabst and its competitors. [IMPORTANT: Only cheap, shitty domestic beers are eligible, and preferably only those found in bars and taverns. A space for write-in votes has been added below.] Weigh in with your vote by sending this page to "Recall Voting Lab" c/o Portland Mercury, 605 NE 21st Ave, Suite 200, Portland, 97232. You can also email your response to email@example.com. Send in your vote by THURSDAY, AUGUST 14, and we'll reveal the earth-shattering results in a couple of weeks!
Please check only one box below.
Hey, everybody It's me, Hamm's! Paaaaaar-tayyyyyy! Yeah, like (buurrrrp) you should vote for me because uhhh everybody loves me! Yeah and because I taste at least as crappy as Pabst. PLUS I have that fat drunk bear as a mascot, AND I have the greatest theme song ever! "From the land of sky blue waters waters/From the land of pines, lofty balsam/Comes the beer refreshing/Hamm's the beer refreshing/da-da-dum-dum-dum" or some kind of shit like that. Anyway, the point is I'm Hamm's, I'm DRUNK, and you should vote for me! (Burrrrrrrrrrrp.)
Look, I don't give a crap whether you elect me or not. I just want a measure--just a tiny measure of fucking respect OKAY? Who nursed you through college, huh? Who is always there at the clubs when the taps of your precious PBR and Amstel Light run dry? ME, that's who. And unlike most domestics, my label is painted on. I protect the fucking ENVIRONMENT, for the love of Christ. And so what if I don't taste as good as Pabst? At least I'm not as skunky as Heineken! Doesn't that count for something? Doesn't it? Ohhhhh, fuck off.
"Call me! Whoaaa-ohh, call me, call me, call me anytime Call me!" Hi everybody, I'm Olympia, your singing indierock beer. I'm gonna make this short: I'm local (well local-ish), I'm cheap, and I'm the go-to guy when there's no more Pabst Blue Ribbon. If PBR is the quarterback of the domestic beer football team, that makes me the field goal kicker. No matter who you choose, if your date drinks enough of us, you're gonna score. Gooooooooo, OLYMPIA!
People of Portland you are getting very, very sleepy. Listen to the sound of my voice. I am about to give you a secret subliminal message. And whenever you hear or read this subliminal message, you will drop whatever it is you're doing and enjoy a cold, delicious Coors Light. Now, repeat after me: "Here's to twins. Here's to twins. Here's to twins"
Miller High Life:
Excuse me but do you know who I am? I'm the "Champagne of Beers" for God's sake, and would appreciate being addressed as such. (Ahem.) Hello. If I am elected "Portland's Favorite Beer," my first order of business will be destroying anything that resides in my path. There is simply no excuse for the enduring popularity of my younger corporate brother, Pabst, and it will be my enormous pleasure to see him financially ruined and kicked out of our family FOREVER. You'll never get my inheritance, dear brother! I'll see you lying empty in the gutter first! Damn you, Pabst Blue Ribbon! Damn you to hell!
Mickey's Big Mouth:
Okay, fucko. They's only TWO things you gotta know. 1) I gots a screw cap. And B) I can kick your motherfucking ass. I got a big mouth? You goddamn right. And you're a piss-smellin' alcoholic that needs to put as much of me in your stomach as humanly possible. That's why I'm built this way, so's you can chug up to four bottles of my malty goodness in under eight minutes. What's that? Can't handle me, pussy? That's why I gots the screw cap. So's you won't slosh me all over your dick while driving. Anyway vote for me, fag.
Your Write-In Vote:
And finally, it's only fair to let Pabst Blue Ribbon have the final word in its defense.
Pabst Blue Ribbon:
Dear longtime friends of Portland. For many years I have served you, and hopefully served you well as "Portland's Favorite Beer." Today, I stand before you not to beg for re-election, but to simply remind you of why I think you chose me as your favorite beer in the first place. You and I, we have much in common. Our homes are in smoky, dark taverns, motorcycle repair shops, and on the banks of the Sandy River. But perhaps our most common denominator is that people look at us and ask, "Why?" "Why are we so underemployed?" "Why are we so lacking in substance?" And, "Why can't we be more like everyone else?" The simple answer is that you and I are cut from a different cloth. Sure, we may both work for "corporate masters." But there is something inside each of us that will always be different from the pack with you, it's an overwhelming enjoyment of loud, unseemly music and wrecking bicycles. With me, it's that delicious secret ingredient that makes me go down like water, but taste like heaven.
You and I go together because frankly, no one else will have us. And that's why I would like to continue to serve you as "Portland's Favorite Beer." Like conjoined twins attached at the liver, we can't exist apart. Thank you, and God bless Portland.
P.S. Dennis Hopper chose me in the movie Blue Velvet.