It's not every job that requires one to buy a bunch of hand lotions, then go home and "review" them. True, it's a rough, vigorous, and repetitious job. But somebody has to do it, and that somebody--awesomely--is me.

Lubriderm Skin Nourishing Moisturizing Lotion with Premium Oat Extract
The "fast-absorbing" oat extract makes this lotion dissipate at a phenomenal rate--I'd be impressed, if I didn't have to reapply the stuff every two or three strokes. I would've been better off using a bowl of Quaker Oatmeal. Which, now that I think about it….

Extra Strength Gold Bond Medicated Body Lotion
This "lotion" ought to be renamed "Acid That Will Burn Your Dick Off." Its pungent, chemical-y smell should have tipped me off that it'd be a bad idea to slather the tacky stuff on my most sensitive skin. But I'm a moron, and the next thing I knew I was screaming and awkwardly sprinting to the bathroom sink--where, despite a torrent of warm water and gallons of hand soap, I couldn't wash this shit off fast enough. I still wince when I even think about it, so keep this extra-strength erection-killer as far away from your junk as possible.

Vaseline Intensive Care Advanced Healing
After my Gold Bond disaster, some "advanced healing" was just what I needed. And Vaseline provided it, with a lotion that was creamy, long lasting, and all-around unremarkable. But after the Gold Bond debacle, this shit felt like a magical healing elixir. Thanks, Vaseline!

Aveeno Skin Relief Moisturizing Lotion with Cooling Menthol
I only know two things about menthol, whatever the fuck it is: 1) It makes for shitty cigarettes, and 2) It makes for weird lotion. Sure, there's a bit of a cooling sensation, but tell me, Aveeno: Why would anyone want a cooling sensation? Shit, aren't things in my life already frigid and barren enough if I'm doing a fucking masturbation article for my paper? Thanks for rubbing in how cold, lonely, and desolate my love life is, assholes. (Get it? Rubbing it in? Ka-ching!)

Safeway Dry Skin Lotion
The best I tried, despite its utilitarian moniker and bargain-basement price. There ain't no frills here, but its consistency, durability, and easy-to-operate-with-one-hand pump dispenser add up to make Safeway's lotion do exactly what a hand lotion should: Minimize friction and maximize pleasure!