Okay, Hookers Nation. Let's just get this over with. Daddy's waiting in the bathroom with his razor strop, and even though he doesn't really want to do it, he's decided it's Papa Time. That's right. Buck up. It's time for some pain.
Because last night's "game"? Daddy declares it a certifiable disgrace.
In 37 games so far this season, not a single T-ball club in the entire tri-county area has managed to stoop so low and do what your Hookers did yesterday. They actually lost to the West Linn Chargers—a team so lousy Daddy suspects they're actually from the West Linn Reformatory for the Blind. Ha!
But here's the truth: Anyone who's spent as much time with this ball club as Daddy, could have seen this coming from a mile away.
First of all, "star" first baseman Kevin Gunderson needs to stop dreaming about all the juice boxes he'll be drinking in Pony League next year and get that sissy swing of his fixed. This is T-ball, son! You can't just slap at the damned ball like it's standing still!
And if you ask Daddy—which you ought to—the whole damned Hookers outfield has always been nothing but a bunch of dimwitted nose-pickers. I've never seen a group so unconcerned about balls coming their way. Is it too tall a prayer, Lord, to ask that these "boys" maybe take notice in a few years when their own balls start to drop?
Look, I don't mean to be bitter. It's just that everyone told Daddy things would be better this year. Like my doctors, when I asked them about my emphysema. "Things'll get better!" Yeah, right. Now I'm lugging around a goddamned oxygen tank, and wishing I'd never started rooting for this no-good, diaper-wearing, talentless team of LOSERS! Feh! So much for the playoffs.
Editor's disclosure: Sports Editor Dutch "Daddy" Tribble also manages the Troutdale Hookers.