BT Livermore

There really is no "cure" for a hangover. And isn't that bizarre? I mean, with cures for tuberculosis and polio, and drugs that battle anxiety, obesity, excessive lung mucus, and restless leg syndrome, you'd think science could relieve a tiny little hangover. But no... we poor alcoholics are left out in the cold, moaning, while we stuff our faces with anything that will make us feel even momentarily better. Speaking of, below is a collection of innovative methods that might just ease you through. Use them all at once and you'll actually feel slightly normal (I know, I've tried it).

COCONUT WATER

Coconut water is the liquid inside young coconuts, which contains sodium, potassium, calcium, and magnesium. It has the same level of electrolytes as humans have in their blood, and can actually be used during a transfusion if there isn't any blood around. Good to know! More importantly, though, coconut water can really help out a hangover because of its intense re-hydrating power. Find it in the cold beverage section at New Seasons, or if you're a pathetic drunk, you can order a 12-pack on amazon.com for around $20.

XANAX

For me, 90 percent of a hangover is anxiety. Because Xanax cures anxiety, taking one drastically reduces that jittery I-hate-myself feeling virtually right away. I've tried this method after a regular night of heavy drinking with blockbuster results. I also tried it once after a serious night in Vegas, and I still felt like shit despite it. The point being: If you feel like you're going to actually die, don't waste valuable Xanax. Just start drinking again.

HAIR OF THE DOG

Only in the last couple years have I truly mastered the hair of the dog. Why? Because this method actually requires restraint, and when booze and restraint shake hands, I don't do very well. But here's the drill: breakfast and then one to two Bloody Marys, screwdrivers, or shots of vodka. Trust me: Don't fuck around with anything except vodka. Then force yourself to go somewhere that does not serve booze. I recommend Ikea, Target, or any other gigantic store where you can occupy yourself by browsing though all the things you absolutely "need" (sunglasses, knee socks, clearance Christmas ornaments, tanning lotion, a new sheet set, sparkling water). By the time you're finished, you'll be exhausted and ready for a nap. By cocktail hour you'll be at no less than 75 percent.

VITAMIN WATER/EMERGEN-C/MANGO-XAN/GATORADE

With any beverage or vitamin hangover cure, it's best if you suck some down before you hit the hay. Room-temperature Vitamin Water, Gatorade, Emergen-C, or Mango-Xan (available at New Seasons) will drastically eliminate the pain felt in the morning, especially if paired with a B-complex vitamin. However, if you forget to hydrate the night before, drink any or all of the above as soon as you wake up, then head back to bed for as long as possible. I did this the other day before my aerobics class and actually arrived feeling more like a human than a pile of dog shit. And if you can hack it, doing just 15 minutes of intense cardio will make you feel like a thousand bucks.

IV DRIP

Do you have access to an IV drip of saline... or, better yet, morphine? If so, please call me.

PURE OXYGEN

I'm not aware of any oxygen bars that have opened in our humble city, but you will find oxygen tanks that are primarily used for industrial purposes. Check the warehouse at your job, or the ambulance if you happen to be a paramedic. Inhale a few good hits of pure oxygen and you'll definitely feel better, if not quite like your old self. For the truly curious, you can buy a can of pure oxygen online at betterthanair.com for around $60... and if you're a rich drunk, that's nothing.

MENUDO

This spicy Mexican soup made from chilies, hominy, and tripe is traditionally eaten by Mexican folks on New Year's Day and on Sundays, and is said to banish the effects of drinking. Like everything else, menudo only works about halfway and requires you to get in your car to retrieve it. But heck, to me, even feeling halfway better is worth it. Most Mexican joints sell menudo, so if you've got a spot nearby, stumble out the door and get some.

SEX

Admittedly, there are only two things I'm good at when I'm hung over. The first is deciding what I want to eat, and the second one is sex. Come to think of it, I may've just figured out how it is I can convince my loved one to hop in the car to bring me chicken-fried steaks in the morning. Anyway, sex is the perfect interlude during a day of napping and eating greasy food. And seriously, you have nothing better to do.