My fellow Star Warriors, Tuesday began as if it were some sort of Naboo-like paradise. In my hands, I clutched my long-awaited DVDs of the original Star Wars trilogy. Tenderly inserting A New Hope into my DVD player, I settled into my couch and wriggled in anticipation, a 12-pack of Diet Slice and six bags of Fritos lodged betwixt my thighs.

But nary 11.38 seconds into Luke Skywalker's daring quest to save the galaxy, I shrieked like a mynock! These DVDs only contained George Lucas' modified "Special Editions"! As if Lucas himself were sardonically grinding Kessel spices into my open wounds, I discovered he had added even more changes to the DVD release--even going so far as to digitally erase actors from the original films, replacing them with their prequel counterparts!

How shall I, Philip Miles Grossel, freelance science fiction novelist and collectable plate collector, respond to this outrage? Be forewarned, my Padawan Pals: our responsibility is not pretty, but it must be done…

I hereby offer 500 Old Republic Credits for the head of George Lucas, served to me atop my Billy Dee Williams-signed, Lando Calrissian-airbrushed platter! Then I shall feast upon the cranium's chewy innards, just as a Wampa beast might devour a tauntaun.

Thus I shall glean Lucas' creativity and knowledge! With his creativity, I shall bring back his abandoned projects (Willow 2, anyone?), and with his knowledge, I shall at long last possess the home telephone numbers of both Carrie Fisher and Natalie Portman. Beckoning them to me, they shall--in their scanty Star Wars attire--orally service me until I reach climax. And then I shall cry out: "Huzzah, my Jedi gentry! I bequeath upon you the original, un-digitally-changed Star Wars, in glorious 5.1 surround sound and high definition picture!" And in comic book shops across the universe, my visage shall be cheered--as you, my fellow Star Warriors, giddily rejoice and celebrate in a manner not witnessed since the Ewoks' gleeful night of merrymaking on Endor! Huzzah!