YOU MAY SEE many bad films this year. But how many of these films will be so awful—so awe-inspiringly ridiculous—that it's actually worth your money to see it? Unstoppable is just such a film.
Director Tony Scott is a terrible director known for making terrible movies—but usually they're just boringly terrible (Enemy of the State, The Fan, Man on Fire, and let's stop there). However, his Unstoppable is a revelation in terribleness. Like the subject of his movie—an unmanned freight train loaded with explosive killer chemicals speeding out of control on a collision course with New Jersey—it's a film whose terribleness leaves the station slowly but eventually builds to a wildly obvious and UNSTOPPABLE juggernaut of unintentionally hilarious donkey shit. (One that occasionally explodes for no reason.)
Scott's herky-jerky camera work and suck zooms on every "important" line is in full effect here, as well as his assuredness that the viewer is a glue-sniffing idiot, incapable of following the most basic plot line. And yet? IT WORKS. When a character notices the train is full of explosives and will careen off the tracks like a missile, a Fox News anchor immediately fills the screen with this late-breaking news: "WE'VE JUST LEARNED THE TRAIN IS FULL OF EXPLOSIVES AND WILL CAREEN OFF THE TRACKS—LIKE A MISSILE!!" Seriously, I haven't laughed this much since The Room.
Denzel Washington (who I no longer have any sympathy for) and Chris Pine (who, in the film's defense, is shown in his underpants) are the working-class heroes who go to indescribably dumb lengths to stop the train, and serve up the moral of this terrible, terrible tale: Even though your boss may be corrupt and your coworkers dangerously inept, if you work hard and never complain, America can once again be the unstoppable train ramming itself into the ass of greatness. LIKE A MISSILE!!