Hey Mykle! What's Reese Witherspoon up to?
Jennifer, age 12, Albany, NY
Nothing at all. She sits in an unlit corner of her luxurious Wedgewood condominium, sipping soy lattes, sobbing. She won't return phone calls, not even from me--her best friend! She's rumored to be losing a lot of hair. Nobody knows what the problem is. Some say it's a broken heart... but I suspect heroin, or perhaps some of those bad methamphetamines her agent makes her take for action film auditions.
Because I am a supportive best friend who cares, I recently tried to pay her a visit. I drove by her home and honked the melodious horn of my Dodge Dakota for almost 30 minutes, but she wouldn't come to the window. Eventually one of her nosy neighbors--I think it was that coke whore Gwyneth Paltrow--called the police, and I had to answer a lot of truly prying questions.
So I say to hell with Reese Witherspoon, if that's how she treats her friends. No wonder her agent only gets her walk-ons and infomercials. Sometimes your number is just UP in this town.
Hey Mykle! Does cutie Aaron Carter have a girlfriend?
Becky, age 13, Cleveland, OH
I can say without a doubt that my best bud Aaron (the 'lil bro of Backstreet Boy Nick) has no girl friend at this time. However, he's far from lonely, don't you worry. This year's frantic pace of soda endorsements, mall appearances, and laser hair removal hasn't stopped the feisty young sex-android from pursuing his favorite men's room toe-tappin' hi-jinx.
But don't fret. He's only 12 years old, and puberty might just change everything. Why, just last week Aaron and I went cruising on Vine St., and as he gyrated shirtless in the moonroof of my new Dodge Dakota, lip-synching to his best-selling CD Aaron's Party (Come Get It) I asked him, between snorts of a very expensive mood elevator, whether he'd ever consider "doing it" with one of his thousands of hormone-engorged teen girly fans. "Ask me again in a million years!" he replied.
So don't give up, girls! Just be patient!
Hey Mykle! Has 2Gether's Michael Cuccione been in any other movies or television shows?
Jon, age 11, Sarasota, FL
Yes indeed, but they're very hard to find. The FBI seized all of the master VHS tapes last year in a raid on a secluded Christian tough-love child-care facility in Utah. However, QuickTime copies are rumored to exist on the Internet. Surf to your favorite search engine and enter the keywords "underage," "interracial," "Rottweiler," and, of course, "Michael Cuccione."
Hey Mykle! Is it true that No Authority does their own choreography?
Jaya, age 12, Taos, NM
If you caught the Fab Four kickin' it live this summer, either opening for Britney Spears or on the Surge/Sanrio/Levi's/Noxema "Party Like A Young Consumer" tour, then you've experienced some of group member Ricky G's smooth moves. Not only does he choreograph many of the group's routines, he also wakes them in the morning, bathes and clothes them, feeds them, and ties all their shoes!
Ricky's efforts to gain exposure and acceptance for America's catatonic youth by singing and dancing with his computer-controlled vegetable pals nationwide have catapulted the four-boys-one-mind combo into the spotlight. But success isn't all sweet for Ricky, who recently confided in me, over danishes at Bel Air's most exclusive Winchell's Donut Shop, that the pace is getting to him. "The diapers, the spittoons, cleaning the crusty parts around the electrodes in their skulls, it's all so gross! I feel like a nanny or something!"
Right you are, Ricky! The hard-working, wunderkind went on to ask my advice on how he might boost his energy level. Although I was "holding," I lied and told him I was "dry." I had BIG plans for that weekend... know what I mean? Ciao, Ricky!