Illustration by Martha Rich

"I DON'T USUALLY like to brag. A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell. But... okay, okay! You asked! Hooked up with that girl from the bar last night, who, at first, kissed like a goddamn mother superior. I practically had to use a crowbar to French her. What, is she in sixth grade? Not my style, but she has an amazing rack. So, I go with her back to her place anyway, and I'm thinking she's going to, like, make me a PB&J and put on some cartoons or something but no—she goes straight to a BJ! Within, like, 30 seconds. Blowjob! Yeah! High five, right? Blowjob!

"So I lasted as long as I could, but at some point we were gonna have to start banging or... look, I usually last a while. A while. But that tongue—I told you, once it got going, was intense. So once I've carried her into the bedroom and she's torn her clothes off, she keeps squirming around and making it hard to—what's the term? Spot the slot?—and I think maybe she's trying to go for anal. But you know me. I'm all, whoa, we just met! Let's take things slow. So she's all writhing but I eventually get up in there, and instantly she's thrashing and screaming and I'm like, 'Whoa, nice! She's into this! I'm barely having to do anything! Nice!' So she keeps moaning, over and over, and once I'm pretty sure she's come at least three or four times, I let loose, and we both collapse. Spent. Well, she is. I could have kept going. But she's totally worn out—just exhausted, all glowing and shit—but I ask her if she came, like you're supposed to. She didn't even need to say anything! We both knew she came at least three or four times.

"Then she fell asleep, but probably not before she was thinking how lucky she was to find a guy who's not only awesome in bed, but also is all patient when it comes to cuddling. I spoon like a motherfucker."