In this time of war and strife it's important—nay, necessary for all Americans to commit themselves to the things that make this country great. And when I say commit, I mean completely, with body and soul. It's well and good to wave your flag, sing "God Bless America," march around in your fancy red, white, and blue underpants, and blame everything on illegal aliens and Osama bin Laden. It shows your heart's in the right place and that's a fine start. But I don't give a damn about your heart. I want to know where your stomach's at. Is it committed to freedom and democracy or are you eating commie "mixed green" salads? Mixed greens... fooey. That's almost as bad as the melting pot! The only melting I want in this blessed country is Velveeta on my Lone Star chili. I know you're planning your fancy lady party for the Fourth of July with a couple wieners and an effeminate three-bean salad. Well, that's bullshit, brothers and sisters. It's time to quit fucking around with food on our nation's birthday. Lucky for you, I see it as my patriotic duty to offer you these true American foods. You can either eat them, or let the terrorists win.

The Hamdog

Created by a true patriot at Mulligan's Bar in Decatur, Georgia, the hamdog is made by wrapping a hot dog in a hamburger patty and then frying the meaty duo in hot American grease. Next, you slap the scalding combo into a hoagie roll and top it all off with chili, cheese, onions, and a fried egg.

As I understand it, the hamdog was part and parcel to getting North Korea to dismantle their nuclear program. All it took was the promise to send a couple dozen of these overseas to feed a good portion of their starving population. Carrot and stick, my ass. Hamdog and stick is more like it.

The Luther Burger

The folks at Mulligan's Bar deserve a damn medal. Not only is the place home to the hamdog, it's also home to the second most amazing American food known to man: the Luther burger. Rumored to have been the brainchild of Luther Vandross (before he died of a stroke in 2005 after suffering from diabetes and hypertension, of course), the Luther is a bacon cheeseburger stuffed between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

When I'm ready to leave this world to find my American home in the arms of Jesus, I plan on heading to Mulligan's for a hamdog followed by a Luther burger chaser. If that doesn't get me into the arms of my Lord, then I'll consider myself damn near indestructible.

Microwave Pork Rinds

Used to be when I was at home watching The Factor, I'd have to hold my bag of pork rinds under my armpits for around 10 minutes before they reached the perfect toasty temperature. Well, with microwaveable pork rinds, I no longer have to suffer the discomfort of "rind pit."

Microwave rinds work like microwave popcorn. The bag contains what looks like freeze-dried bacon strips. But they explode with flaky pork goodness over the course of two minutes in the nuker. It's the perfect combination of pig and radiation—aside from when we fried those oinkers during A-bomb tests in Nevada. But I digress.

Frito Pie

Hey, I'm sensitive to the economic burdens of today's America. But you can still eat like you mean it by stopping at the temple of freedom and convenience known as 7-Eleven for a little Frito pie. Now the word "Frito" sounds a bit too Hispanic for my taste, but I'll forgive it if you just rip me open a fun-sized bag and pump in some 7-Eleven chili and a good amount of molten cheese. Drop some onions on top of the whole shebang and you have Frito pie. Cheap, fattening, and way better than any of the crap they're giving our troops in the Middle East. That's why I'm sponsoring Operation Frito Drop to get much-needed Frito pies to our boys overseas. There's nothing like a taste of home to help you kick insurgent ass.

American Vegetables

The only vegetables that should be allowed near your Fourth festivities are iceberg lettuce and Jell-O salad. I'm not actually sure what Jell-O is made of (I heard somewhere that it might be hoof shavings), but it usually comes with shaved carrots and fruit floating in it, so it counts as a vegetable to me. Iceberg lettuce is a no-brainer. It's American engineered so as not to be tainted with foreign "flavor."

Flaming Jell-O Shots

It's my understanding that by using Everclear or 151 in your Jell-O shot recipe you can actually get the suckers to light on fire. Keep in mind that when on fire they can no longer be consumed without burning your innards. Still, this is America, and we can set any goddamn thing on fire that we want, and for no good reason. That said, I'm not going to give you the flaming shot recipe because it's dangerous and you could melt your face off. Nevertheless if you turn your web browser to and search for "Jell-O shots," no one can stop you from expressing your patriotic urges.

Have a happy Fourth of July, and please remember: "Americans Don't Let Americans Eat Like a Commie Pussy."