The Best Ever Porn Buffet 

What to Expect at This Year's HUMP! Amateur Porn Fest

Hump-Cover-570x300.jpg

WHY DO WE host an amateur porn festival every year? Because it's a damn good time, that's why.

Hot, boring people shouldn't have a monopoly on pornography. HUMP! features 27 shorter-than-five-minute pornos made by regular people, mostly Portlanders and Seattleites. The films are a much better representation of great sex than regular porn: They're creative, hilarious, messy, bizarre, and occasionally sexy. They're floppy, they're bouncy, and they're full of awkward body hair. And they'll only be seen next weekend. Phones and cameras spotted in the theater are confiscated, and at the end of the festival, the films are systematically destroyed—so they won't ever, ever be leaked to the small screen.

Along with the rest of the HUMP! jury, I endured nine straight hours of amateur porn as we watched all 90 films submitted to the festival this year. A lot of people have asked what it's like to watch nine hours of strangers fucking, so I put together this blow-by-blow.

In hour zero, you're nervous. You have 90 dirty movies to watch. You have no idea how you'll scale this porn mountain. What will the view be from the top? Likely, you will be staring down into the dark, scarred valley of Never Having Sex Again.

In hour one, you're critical. After the anxious expectation of having your eyes burned out by staring directly into someone's bleached sphincter, the reality of other people fucking is a letdown. You roll your eyes at the stranger melodramatically stroking his dick. Talk and jerk. Is this all there is?

In hour two, you're shocked. My God, the horror strikes you by surprise. A woman in a leather-bound chef outfit grabs a rubber glove full of Crisco and you say, "No, no." But then, yes, yes, the Crisco is in-out-in-out! The sex-toy expert next to you shakes her head and murmurs sadly, "They're never getting that clean."

In hour three, you're fired up. You have summited the horror, and now? You can take anything. What you got? Remote-control dildo car? Clown sex? Dick smashing? Bring it on!

In hour four, you're joyful. The world is full of beautiful people and their creative ideas. You burst out laughing at the films that take sex not so seriously. The classical soundtrack! The use of kale! All genius. And, you're a little shy to admit, the sex is actually hot. The gay guy who slips into a butt plug and then into a sweater vest—oooh, his smile matches your own dumb grin.

In hour five, you're curious. It's impossible to determine what is a widespread fetish and what is a joke. Is pie-ing someone in the ass a thing? What about wearing a creepy plastic mask while touching yourself? Christmas sweaters? Unitards? Cupcake fucking? You're learning all kinds of stuff: You've now seen nipple tattoos and you know what a T. rex looks like with a boner.

In hour six, you break for lunch. Eating a salad roll covered in peanut sauce reminds you distinctly of the blowjobs you've recently seen. Ugh.

In hour seven, you're bored. Bored of seeing dicks. Big dicks, small dicks. Dicks attached to giant balls. Dicks in strange metal contraptions. Dicks that remind you of those limp salad rolls. Dicks in costume, slapping into one another. Dicks a million! You get hostile, bitter toward the films that don't hold your interest. Keep it short, people! Make it snappy! It's not a porn if no one gets naked.

In hour eight, you're delirious. Images seem to be repeating themselves. A second person has sex with a tree. Another unicorn sex tableau. That giant double-headed purple dildo shows up again. (That thing must be a bestseller.) Someone gives a blowjob through the sunroof of a moving vehicle—whoa, haven't seen that before. Finally: A guy fucks a loaf of Wonder Bread. You always wondered if men longed to do that.

In hour nine, you're an expert. You know a good porn when you see it! Those sequined gimp masks? Pitch perfect! Applause! The straight couple filming as they fuck in front of a Princess Diana poster? So bizarre and hot and fun! Swastikas? Total boner killer. The judges agree in unison: Keep it! Toss it! You are unfazed by the bouncing of boobs, the licking of blood. You are jaded by orgies. You are a porn-watching machine.

In hour 10, you're on the bus back home. Your mind is a sodden rag that cannot be wrung out. You are bewildered. You look around at the people on the bus. You imagine each of them in their bedrooms. That old woman with groceries. That guy reading a book. That bored waitress on the way to work. What a bunch of pervs. You know what they like. You've seen it all.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

THE FILMS

Regular people from all over the country pitched a total of 90 five-minutes-or-less videos to HUMP! Everyone who submitted is creative and brave—but there's only so much porn the normal person can withstand, so the jury whittled down the festival selections to the 27 very best films.

Rumpy Pumpy: An animated starter with funny, floppy dicks.

Hot 'n Saucy Pizza Boy: A crusty cliché premise—gasp! A hot pizza delivery boy!—dishes up some surprisingly hot gay sex.

When You Wank upon a Star: What if porn star characters came to life? They'd probably be really sad and awkward, that's what.

Beyondeep: The hottest lesbian sex always happens in creepy vans in the woods.

D&D Orgy: Roll for experience as the dungeon master's fantasy game gets extremely real.

Magic Love: A straight stop-motion couple engages in adorable sex around their house.

Mansmash: Jam-packed with horrifying images that will instantly sear into your brain, this flick combines masochism, absurdity, and coconut milk with a speed metal soundtrack.

Produce: Lesbians love kitchen sex—it's a fact confirmed in this certified organic romp about two ladies and their creative use of kale.

Pie Sluts: In the world of fetishes-I-don't-understand-but-are-entertaining-to-watch, getting a pie in the face is right at the top.

The Perfect Stranger: It's about goddamn time HUMP! had some normal, sexy, straight sex.

Tuff Titties: Motor Boys: Looking for a tune-up? This sweaty mechanic has plenty of grease to get your engine running.

Voyeur: A hot dude watches as two ladies in fishnets and high heels do some pussy lickin'.

Dueling Dames: Every porn festival needs a sepia-toned tumble in a Wild West whorehouse.

Krutch: Proving to the world that people with disabilities have genitalia that work just fine.

Go Ahead, Pee!: Don't you hate it when you're jumping on your trampoline in your unitard and you really have to take a piss?

Boy's First Hook Up: Aww yeah, a virgin boy is lookin' for a fuck and bites off a little more than he can chew.

Dinner Party: You'll never look at biscuits and cucumbers the same way again.

Toeing the Line: Two dudes on a mission flesh out this rollicking music video about Chick-fil-A, conga lines, and jerkin' to Romney.

Dirty Mind: An '80s fangirl's wildest fantasy comes true when Prince arrives with a giant purple dildo.

EdenXXX: Years' worth of home video footage from two massively horny Burners condensed into two unforgettable minutes of furry hats, glitter, and blowjobs galore.

Best Slumber Party Ever: Three cool girls pick up, then tie up a loser, and proceed to get into fun, naked pillow fights. Just like in real life.

D for You: Cute animated animals get some serious boners.

Peter and the Wolf: Set to the classic Sergei Prokofiev score, this cautionary tale of man versus beast gets a queer twist.

Alice and Miles: Alice has the best breasts you have ever seen in your life. Cinema 21 will need to haul out the drool mop as she and Miles get it on.

The Beat: A man, a plan, a butt plug.

Milking Honeys: The only "art film" in HUMP! this year takes place on a farm where a young miss bathes herself in milk while a cadre of cowboys make good use of the barn.

Boyfriend: The funniest pornographic, serial-murdering Justin Bieber music video spoof known to man.

Get your HUMP! tickets soon! The shows always sell out!

Tags: , , ,

Comments (10)

Showing 1-10 of 10

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-10 of 10

Comments are closed.

Readers also liked…

Most Commented On

Top Viewed Stories

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy