jeremy eaton
jeremy eaton

Are you ready to hear the BEST... IDEA... EVER? And I'm not talking about any of my previous BEST... IDEAS... EVER, which include a reality show about donkeys high diving into a child-size swimming pool. (Which, you have to admit, is a pretty amazing idea.) No, this BEST... IDEA... EVER is categorically, literally, and objectively the BEST... IDEA... EVERRRRRRR. Okay, here it is:

Star Trek: The Next Generation Babies.

You know... like Muppet Babies! Everybody loves Muppet Babies AND Star Trek: The Next Generation—so why not produce a show about the Enterprise crew... as BABIES. Baby Worf! Baby Riker! Baby Deanna Troi! Baby Cap'n Picard! (Who's bald, so he won't look very different.) Baby Geordi! Baby Data! But not Baby Wesley Crusher—he'd be like a sperm or something.

ANYWAY! I'm glad I'm not driving right now, because all I can see are $$$$$$$$$! This idea is going to make me SO RICH, I'm gonna make that jerk from The Wolf of Wall Street look like The Shaky Chihuahua of Poor Person Avenue! (Heh.) Naturally, some of you are already trying to rain on my $$$$$ parade, jealously mumbling that, "mumble mumble no one likes reboots of formerly popular shows mumble mumble." Well, that's why you're poor and I'm (soon to be) RICH. Actually, "no one likes reboots of SOME formerly popular shows." Case in point? This week's reboot of the formerly popular Kiefer Sutherland action show 24 (re-debuting on Fox, Mon May 5, 8 pm).

In the re-titled 24: Live Another Day, Sutherland returns as former Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) Agent Jack Bauer—who you may remember spent much of the last decade foiling assassinations and bomb attacks, while gleefully torturing suspects, who just happened to be primarily Muslim. Now it's four years later, and Jack is a fugitive trying to stay one step ahead of the CIA, and in particular CIA Agent Navarro (played by dreamboaty Benjamin Bratt). Unfortunately, someone wants to blow up the earth (yes, again), which means Jack—after looking at the camera and saying, "I'm getting too old for this shit!"—must come out of hiding, and along with former CTU computer-genius-turned-underground-hacker Chloe O'Brian (Mary Lynn Rajskub dressed in her Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Halloween costume) save the world (yes, again)... and maybe torture a few Muslims on the side? You know, just for old time's sake?

While I'm sure I'll watch this—just like I glumly watched its original eight seasons—it's hard to imagine this reboot taking off. The original 24 was a product of its time, when the Bush administration had everyone convinced that terrorists were EVERYWHERE (including at our Jazzercise classes) and plotting the world's end. But we're all smarter now, and Jack's "get the info at any cost" torture techniques can no longer be easily sold to the American public as an icky necessary evil. Nowadays? It's just downright icky.

And that is exactly why my Star Trek: The Next Generation Babies reboot is going to make me a stinking rich bazillionaire—because no one wants to see old Jack Bauer... but... what about... Jack Bauer Babies?? NEWEST BEST IDEA EVER!! I'M RICH!! (Yes, again!)

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30

10:00 FX THE AMERICANS

One of Elizabeth's old foes returns with REVENGE on his mind. (We told her not to steal his parking spot!)

THURSDAY, MAY 1

8:00 NBC IHEARTRADIO MUSIC AWARDS

The dying industry of "radio" draws a final breath with this last-ditch effort to gain listeners.

11:00 BRAVO WATCH WHAT HAPPENS LIVE

Featuring (SQUEEE!) Julie Andrews and (SQUEEE!) Frozen's Idina Menzel! Did I mention SQUEEEEEE?

FRIDAY, MAY 2

9:00 SUN THE WRITERS' ROOM

Featuring the writing staff and cast of Netflix's awesome House of Cards.

10:00 NBC HANNIBAL

Will shows Hannibal his "dark side"—which tickles the serial killer to no end.

SATURDAY, MAY 3

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hosted by The Amazing Spider-Man's Andrew Garfield! PFFT! (That's the sound Spidey makes... also, a cat!)

SUNDAY, MAY 4

9:00 FOX COSMOS: A SPACE-TIME ODYSSEY

Tonight: How science mapped the ocean floor. (Spoiler alert: Holding one's breath was important.)

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Don calls an "old friend." (Please let it be Sal from season one! Whatever happened to him??)

MONDAY, MAY 5

8:00 FOX 24: LIVE ANOTHER DAY

Return! Jack Bauer returns to do his Bruce Willis impersonation.

10:00 FX LOUIE

Season premiere! The heeeelarious Louis C.K. returns with two back-to-back episodes! Hurrah!

TUESDAY, MAY 6

9:00 FOX NEW GIRL

Season finale! The gang takes a cruise together, and... lookout for that emotional iceberg!!

10:00 FX FARGO

While Molly remains hot on the murderer's trail, Gus tries to fix his terrible mistake.