[DEAR READERS: From President Obama to Carrie Prejean to Michael Phelps to Tiger Woods to Sam Adams to the "Recall Sam" losers—in 2009, they all fell far below our impossibly high standards. So let's remind them of their failings, with this fond and fun look back at 2009: The Year in Disappointment!—Ann]
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 21 Today was "Hysterical Local Media Day" as the Oregonian, Portland Tribune, and local gay newspaper Just Out all produced righteously indignant editorials calling for Mayor Sam Adams to resign. "Nobody—not even the mayor—knows if his sense of right and wrong will fail him again, but he is asking us to give him another chance," scolded a furious (and secretly tickled pink) Oregonian. "The bond of trust and confidence has been broken," bemoaned a horrified Just Out, whose feelings have not only been hurt, but shattered beyond earthly recognition. And the Tribune wailed (while simultaneously getting aroused) about Adams "displaying woefully poor judgment in choosing to have an affair with a very young man." (We wonder how many of the Trib's largely male editorial board have had affairs with older women? Actually, we don't want to think about that. Ick.)
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12 As reported last week, Olympian Michael Phelps was photographed huffing on a bong—and this week the owner of this very same bong is selling his historical keepsake on eBay for the low, low price of only $100,000! That's enough money for "Octomom" Nadya Suleman to implant two more sets of octuplets! MEANWHILE! As also reported last week, pop tartlet Miley Cyrus was photographed making a "goofy" slant-eyed "me-Chinese" face that successfully offended the whole of the Asian community. After her first non-apology apology didn't quite stick, today she decided to give it another shot. "I really wanted to stress how sorry I am if the photo of me offended anyone," she said with the obvious help of her publicist. "I know everything is part of GOD's ultimate plan and mistakes happen so that eventually I will become the woman he aspires me to be." So you see, it was partially "GOD's" fault, too, because of his stupid ultimate plan to make fun of Asians. Way to go, GOD, you big racist! Where's your apology?
MONDAY, JUNE 22 Jon and Kate Gosselin (stars of the reality show Jon & Kate Plus Eight) surprised absolutely no one today when they announced they will be filing for divorce—thereby saving their obviously relieved eight children the trouble of filing for emancipation.
SUNDAY, JULY 26 Today former GOP vice president wannabe/annoying harpy Sarah Palin officially gave up her Alaska governorship—but she wouldn't leave without imparting a few bitchy and confusing swipes at the media. "So how about in honor of the American soldier, you quit making up things," Palin blathered. "And don't underestimate the wisdom of the people. And one other thing for the media—our new governor has a very nice family, too, so leave his kids alone." Now personally, we don't think new Alaska Governor Sean Parnell has much to worry about from the godforsaken media, because he probably isn't going to abandon his state in the middle of his first term to chase fame, political opportunity, and book deals. So Sarah, in closing, if we promise not to underestimate the people's wisdom (gag), we'd like you—in honor of the American soldier—to not let the door smack your fat ass on the way out. Mm-kay? Mm-kay.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 What's the best thing that's ever happened to no-name country singer Taylor Swift? Kanye West! After leaping onstage at the Video Music Awards to drunkenly (and correctly) remind her that she will never... EVER... be Beyoncé, Kanye has become PUBLIC ENEMY #1, and is being shit-talked by everyone on the planet, including no less than two presidents. Not only did Barack Obama label him "a jackass" in an off-the-record comment, but former President Jimmy Carter also took a swipe at the rapper, calling his behavior "completely uncalled for" and saying that his punishment was "to appear on the new Jay Leno show." Geez, Jimmy. That's a harsh punishment even by Singapore standards. And yet? That's exactly what happened. On the debut episode of The Jay Leno Show, Kanye apologized, saying, "I need to take some time off and just analyze how I'm going to make it through the rest of my life...." Umm... you got drunk, jumped onstage, and insulted a no-name twink, Kayne—you're not exactly Bernie Madoff! (Can you please just go back to blogging how great you are in all caps?)
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 Though he may have apologized to the president for squealing "You lie!" at last week's joint session of congress, Republican Representative Joe Wilson still refuses to say he was sorry for embarrassing everyone else in attendance—hence a formal "resolution of disapproval" was passed today against Wilson in the House. What's a "resolution of disapproval"? It's something between a very stern finger wag and a "tsk, tsk, tsk" that will go down on Wilson's permanent record. Of course, Wilson—being the racist fucking crybaby he is—expressed his disapproval of the House's disapproval. "When we are done here today, we will not have taken any further steps toward helping the nation deal with urgent challenges," the big racist fucking crybaby wailed to his colleagues. "It is time that we move forward, get back to work for the American people, and—"REP. WILSON, YOU LIE! (We don't know if he's lying or not, we just thought it would be fun to interrupt.)
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15 THIS JUST IN! Multiple news outlets are reporting that a homemade weather balloon has escaped over Colorado with a six-year-old boy trapped inside! According to still-breaking reports, the child is six-year-old Falcon Heene, whose parents are "weather-chasing and extraterrestrial enthusiasts" (whaaaa?) and have been featured on the ABC reality show Wife Swap (WHAAA?). Law enforcement officials are frantically searching... wait. THIS JUST IN! The balloon has landed—without the boy inside! Several spectators swear they saw something fall from the balloon, sending officials and search helicopters on a mad... hold on. THIS JUST IN! Six-year-old Falcon has been found, hiding inside a box in the attic of his parents' garage! OH, THANK GOD! The poor parents must have been simply frantic with worry—but now that their beloved son has been recovered, they can... just a second. THIS JUST IN! During a live Larry King interview, when the boy was asked by his father why he didn't respond when they were calling for him, Falcon responded, "You had said we did this for a show." THIS JUST IN! WHAT... THE... FUCK????
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9 Dethroned Miss California USA Carrie Prejean—whose homophobic remarks about same-sex marriage have made her a conservative darling—has two things going for her this week: (1) a brand-new book verbosely entitled Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate, and Political Attacks, and (2) a brand-new sex tape that should be titled, Still on My Back: A Videotape of Me Masturbating for an Ex-Boyfriend Who I Mistakenly Thought Loved Me.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27 What the heck is going on with Tiger Woods? At 2:30 this morning, Tiger drove his Cadillac Escalade away from his mansion—and into a fire hydrant before crashing into a neighbor's tree. Tiger was taken to the hospital for cuts and bruises on his face; meanwhile, there were reports that his wife, Elin, unnecessarily used a golf club to shatter one of the SUV's windows to get him out. Weird, right? The Florida Highway Patrol asked to speak with Tiger, but for some reason the golfer refused to talk. Hmmm. Do we detect... a MYSTERY? Or to be more specific... a DISAPPOINTMENT?