Dearest readers: Now that Britney is on the road to mental recovery (BOOO!), that means One Day at a Time must pick a new "Most Embarrassing Celeb of 2008"—and who better than former VP wannabe, Sarah Palin? Here are her greatest hits!
SATURDAY, AUGUST 30 Today John McCain picked his VP running mate, and hoo boy, is she a doozy! Yes, she—in a desperate bid to scoop up disaffected Hillary Clinton supporters, the 72-year-old McCain selected the 44-year-old governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. While easy to discredit Palin—she's a self-described "hockey mom," former beauty queen, and governor of one of America's least-populous states for less than two years—she has it where it counts, for Republicans at least: She's adamantly anti-abortion and supports drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Opinion on McCain's choice is sharply divided—some see it as proof that the Republican Party is open to changing its image, while others see it as shameless pandering. Either way, we predict Palin's going to make things a lot more interesting. And her shoes are way cuter than Joe Biden's!
SUNDAY, AUGUST 31 The New York Times has broken the news that Palin's unwed 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, is five months pregnant—a discovery that's apparently thrown the GOP, which loves to talk about its ostensible "family values," into chaos. (We're guessing the news threw McCain's heart rate into chaos, as well.)
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 It's Labor Day, and yet Sarah Palin was hard at work, furiously spinning the story of her pregnant, 17-year-old unmarried daughter. Rumors are swirling that Mama Palin faked her pregnancy to cover up for daughter Bristol, who is said to be the actual mother of Trig, the baby with Down syndrome. (Didn't we see this on Days of Our Lives?) Regardless, while Palin may be showing "unconditional support" to her knocked-up daughter, this Jesus-lovin' Alaskan governator was all too happy to cut funds to teen mothers who needed a place to live. According to the Washington Post, Palin used her line-item veto earlier this year to eviscerate funding for teen mom shelters—plus, she agrees with McCain in his opposition to funding that would help prevent teen pregnancies. So while pregnant teens may be something that "occasionally happens to American families" (according to her GOP apologists), her own attitudes toward teen sex ironically helped bring Bristol to her current predicament. (That, and the fact that the guy who knocked her up is totes hot. Much more on him later.)
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 Thankfully, the national media decided to ignore Sarah Palin's fairly homely pregnant daughter to focus on the yummy hunk of Alaskan meat that impregnated her! Meet 18-year-old Levi Johnston, whose rugged sperm fought its way through the wilderness to find its home in the vagina of a girl who religiously believes in abstinence. Plus, according to his MySpace page, he's quite the charmer as well! Check out what Levi wrote in his bio (and NO, WE'RE NOT JOKING): "I'm a fuckin' redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes. But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some shit, and just fuckin' chillin' I guess. Ya fuck with me I'll kick ass." SIGH! He's like Hugh Grant if Hugh lived in Alabama and someone dropped a big rock on his head.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 Sarah Palin appeared at today's GOP National Convention, giving a fiery, sarcastic speech that somehow convinced Republicans they still deserve the presidency—even after eight years of fuck ups. "What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?" she asked the fawning crowd. "Lipstick!" HA! Now here's one for her: "What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Dan Quayle? Lipstick!"
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 8 Surprise! Sarah Palin refuses to answer questions from the media! When she recently flew back to Alaska, reporters were informed that all Palin flights would be off the record. According to McCain's campaign manager, Rick Davis, Palin will "agree to an interview when she feels comfortable doing it." FEELS COMFORTABLE DOING IT?!? Ohhhh, then by all means, let's make Princess Palin comfortable! Can we get you a pillow, precious? Can we help you apply your lipstick? (Who knew that "pit bulls" were so sensitive?)
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 "Dear Sarah Palin: How would you and John McCain help fix our ailing economy?" GOTCHA! Ha! See, that's what we in the homosexual liberal media biz call "gotcha journalism." We ask what appears to be a completely legitimate question, but the actual purpose is to make Sarah Palin look stupid. Why would we do such an awful thing? GOTCHA again! (You get the idea.) Palin was on the receiving end of least two "gotchas" this week, including: Name one Supreme Court case other than Roe v. Wade that you disagree with? "Durrrrrr...." GOTCHA! Or an even tougher question: What newspapers and magazines do you read? "Uhhhhhh...." GOTCHA! (To be fair, that last question was kind of personal. Who wants to admit they read Creationism Today, Better Igloo and Gardens, and Faking a Pregnancy in Order to Raise Your Daughter's Down Syndrome Baby as Your Own Monthly? That wasn't a rhetorical question. GOTCHA!)
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2 By golly, today Sarah Palin debated that Joe Biden fella, and we'll be gosh-darned if she wasn't as horrible as everyone predicted, don'tcha know! Oh, sure. There were those annoying naysayers and "gotcha" media Jews who thought Sarah would fall flat on her adorable face (especially after those admittedly disastrous interviews with communist lesbian Katie Couric). But in the end, Sarah yanked herself up by her anklestraps, stood right up to "Say it Ain't So" Joe, and ignored every single question that came out of Gwen Ifill's mouth to send a special message to all the American hockey moms and Joe Six-Packs sittin' around their kitchen tables: "The terrorists, God bless their retarded hearts, hate freedom. Therefore Barack Obama hates freedom. And when Putin rears his head, who will be there? Darn it, a couple of mavericky mavericks named John McCain and Sarah Palin. So in conclusion, Ronald Reagan, freedom, John McCain, good guys, Israel, maverick, American ingenuity, John McCain, main street, Christianity, Wasilla, NASCAR, and doggone it all to heck. Oh, yeah... and wink."
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10 "Sarah Palin unlawfully abused her power as governor by trying to have her former brother-in-law fired as a state trooper, the chief investigator of an Alaska legislative panel concluded," the Associated Press reported today, adding that Palin violated "a state ethics law that prohibits public officials from using their office for personal gain." Long story short, Palin fired Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan when he "resisted pressure to fire a state trooper involved in a bitter divorce and custody battle with the governor's sister." Two morals, here: (A) Palin somehow found a way to abuse power even in the least powerful state in the nation, and (B) never mess with a hockey mom's sister!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29 Even though top McCain advisers are looking to lay the blame for their crumbling campaign at Sarah Palin's doorstep (going so far as to call her a "wackjob"), this is one lipsticked pit bull you'll be seeing in the future! Like in... oh, we don't know... maybe 2012? When asked about a potential run in the next election cycle, Palin responded, "If I were to give up and wave a little white flag of surrender against some of the political shots we've taken... I'm not doing this for naught." Well, if she's really thinking of taking Obama on in 2012, we have only one word of advice: college.