[Happy New Year, dears! But before we leave 2011 in the dust, let's take a fond look back at the person who very nearly ruined everything for everybody: Kim Kardashian (AKA "The One Day at a Time Monster of the Year!").—Ann]
MONDAY, JANUARY 31
This just in from the "Waah, waah, waah, I'm a big fucking crybaby" desk: "Oh my god, I'm more naked than I was in Playboy," cried an otherwise entirely useless Kim Kardashian after seeing her recent mostly nude spread in W magazine. "I'm so mad right now! [Photog Barbara Kruger] promised I would be covered with artwork. You can see nipple!" First: You were completely naked, idiot. In front of a camera. What did you think was going to happen, you brain-damaged dingaling? ARRGHH! WE HATE HER SO MUCH!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 3
You'll be glad to know W magazine responded today to über-skank Kim Kardashian's incessant whining regarding her "pornographic" photo spread. The magazine called the photos a "...meditation on the influence that reality TV has on contemporary culture." Overwhelmed by this barrage of multi-syllabic words, Kardashian quickly flipped the script, and responded, "I love the photos! ...I'm really happy I did it and that those are the photos." Kim Kardashian is worse than leukemia.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 25
Kim Kardashian—who has never done a single thing in her life worthy of the unbelievable fame she has achieved—is engaged to some basketball-playing meathead named Kris Humphries. Apparently he proposed by waiting in her bedroom on bended knee (gross!), with four words written in rose petals: "Will you marry me?" (Gross!) He then presented her with a "custom-designed, 20.5-carat Lorraine Schwartz diamond sparkler" of "the highest clarity and color." WHAT? Fuck you, Kim Kardashian! Oh, but wait... there's more. From People magazine: "Kris really didn't want a big celebration, but he had jokingly told my mom he'd be fine if there were mini-horses there," Kardashian laughingly stated. "Later that night at the party, my mom brought out two mini-horses, covered in glitter, for us! It was hysterical!" Again, FUCK YOU, KIM KARDASHIAN! Fuck you, fuck your ring, fuck Kris Humphries, fuck those rose petals, fuck your empty, vapid, rich lifestyle, and FUCK THOSE GLITTERY MINI-HORSES! (Sorry... it's wrong to blame the glittery mini-horses. They're the true victims here.)
TUESDAY, JUNE 7
Today In Touch subtly screamed the following on their latest cover: "STOP THE WEDDING! KIM CAUGHT CHEATING!" The alleged cheatee in question? Footballer Bret Lockett, who claimed to be sexually involved with Kardashian for the last five months. (Who would willingly claim such a thing? It's like taking out a full-page ad to say you have a seeping herpes sore on your lip!) Well, naturally KimDash hit the roof—threatening to sue the pants off Lockett, the tabloid, and anyone else who would spread such vicious, horrible lies that make her appear even worse than she is (if such a thing was possible). IN A RELATED STORY... Actress Edie Falco (of The Sopranos fame) had the following to say in an interview with New York Magazine: "Who the hell is Kim Kardashian? Who are these people and why are they famous and why are they advertising things and being asked their opinions about things? If there's something about her personality or something that she's accomplished or her philosophy or something—but beyond that I don't understand what is happening." Edie Falco—we love you, and wish you had written the Bible.
TUESDAY, JULY 5
Today the jury in the Casey Anthony murder trial in Florida returned with a surprising verdict of "not guilty." Thank goodness Kim Kardashian was around to share her opinion of the verdict, via Twatter: "WHAT!!!!???!!!! CASEY ANTHONY FOUND NOT GUILTY!!!! I am speechless!!!" "So was Nicole Brown Simpson's family when your dad got OJ off," responded hilarious and observant twatterer HaHaWhitePPL. (As you know, Kim's father Robert Kardashian served as one of OJ Simpson's defense lawyers back in 1995.) Not knowing when to shut up (because she never does) Kim snapped back, "Just because I was close to the OJ trial I can't have my own opinion on the Casey Anthony case?" NO, YOU CANNOT, YOU FUCKING UGLY BAG OF MOLDY LAUNDRY. Because the court of the world has concluded you are GUILTY of never saying ANYTHING worthwhile. Therefore you are hereby sentenced to your mansion until the adults in the room decide to quit talking.
THURSDAY, JULY 28
THIS JUST IN: Most terrible female in the world Kim Kardashian does not—does NOT—have ringworm (as was discussed on her terrible show Keeping Up with the Kardashians). She actually has psoriasis, an easily treatable condition if Kardashian would simply slow down her hectic schedule of annoying us to death. "It's just not possible," Kardashian told People magazine. "My career is doing ad campaigns and swimsuit photo shoots. People don't understand the pressure on me to look perfect." Dear Kim Kardashian: We eagerly await your death.
MONDAY, AUGUST 1
The E! network (home to horrific reality show Keeping Up with the Kardashians) announced today that leading up to the big event it will broadcast a "two-part television event that goes inside the glitz, glamour, and romance of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' wedding extravaganza." That's FOUR HOURS of Kim & Co. preparing for an event that will one day hopefully be classified as a crime against humanity, and face the harshest of judgments from the International Criminal Court, and... oh, what's that, Satan? "Did you know she actually tried to reserve our level eight circle of hell for her reception?" Satan scoffed. "So I told her that level eight was already reserved for our annual 'Aborted Baby Barbecue,'—and do you know what she said? 'Fine, I'll cancel the caterer.' SHE'S THE WORST!!"
MONDAY, AUGUST 15
The wedding of that awful bitch Kim Kardashian isn't even until Saturday, and she's already acting like an ogre to her guests—by telling them what to wear! The Huffington Post reports that all of Kardashian's wedding guests are required to dress in either black or white—no exceptions. "If I know [that stanky creep Kardashian (our words, not hers)]," an insider says, "she will wear red or some color so she pops against everyone else who will be in black or white." Oh, Kim, Kim, Kim. That's so totally unnecessary! You always stand out in crowd—we just look for the lumbering, knife-faced monster that stinks of yeast infection.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 20
Today the world yawned as talentless reality harlot Kim Kardashian got married to mediocre basketball player Kris Humphries. By all accounts, it was a magical ceremony... provided you like deafening helicopters, jackass cameramen, tacky party favors (heart-shaped Krispy Kremes, anyone?), and drunken Lindsay Lohans. IN A RELATED STORY... There is no god.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27
PREPARE TO BE UNSURPRISED: According to a source speaking to Us magazine, newlyweds Kim Kardashian and hubby Kris Humphries "are not getting along at all," and are "near the breaking point." GASP. Don't give up, kids! Your sham marriage is worth fighting for!
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30
"After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage," heartless monster Kim Kardashian said in a totally unexpected press release. "I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don't work out as planned." In fact, Kimmie filed for divorce a mere 72 days after her sham marriage to NBA player Kris Humphries, with TMZ claiming the split was due to her refusal to move to Humphries' home state, Minnesota. (To be fair: Ugh. Minnesota.)
MONDAY, OCTOBER 31
According to inside Kamp Kardashian sources gabbing to Radar Online, Kim was actually "never in love" with Kris, and their relationship and subsequent quickie marriage was nothing but an orchestrated scam which netted the two "a reported $10 million payday." "It was pretty much an arranged marriage right from the start," quoth a sneaky spy. "Kim was looking for a husband and Kris was selected for her, among others. She wasn't really into him but she hoped she would be able to develop some feelings, but it never happened. By all accounts [she] absolutely hated sleeping with him or even having to make out with him." But... but... the institution of marriage is sacred (just ask Hubby Kip)! Only a despicable, loathsome, greedy monster who has little to no regard for anyone or anything except money and being a callous, pampered fame whore would ever do anything like... OHHHHHHHHH.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1
"First and foremost," Kim Kardashian wrote today using the blood of murdered Chinese children, "I married for love. I can't believe I even have to defend this." [LIES!! THE MONSTER LIES!!—Ann] "Everyone that knows me knows that I'm a hopeless romantic," Kim continued while strangling a puppy. "I love with all my heart and soul. I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed into something too soon." [SHE ONLY WANTS BABIES SO SHE CAN EAT THEM!!—Ann] "I'm being honest here [NO SHE'S NOT! SHE'S LYING!!—Ann], and I hope you respect my courage because this isn't easy to go through," wrote Kim, after setting fire to an orphanage filled with disabled children. "It just didn't turn out to be the fairy tale I had so badly hoped for." [IF THIS IS A FAIRY TALE, YOU'RE THE WITCH! LIGHT THE TORCHES! BURN THE WITCH!!—Ann].