[Happy New Year, dears! Though we could've spent this retrospective gushing over the tribulations of Charlie (Sheen), Kanye (West), and Mel (Racist Fuck)—no one tumbled harder and for such a significant distance than our girl Lindsay Lohan. Her resolution for 2011 should be "set expectations lower."—Ann]
SATURDAY, JANUARY 9 Lindsay Lohan is making good on her New Year's resolution to turn over a new leaf! Last week LiLo twatted, "2010 is about moving forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits, and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!? :)." MEANWHILE... This evening Lindsay Lohan hit a photographer with her car. "I want to press charges," the angry paparazzo told TMZ.com. "She's going to jail." Insert frowny emoticon here.
SATURDAY, MARCH 27 Tonight, actress Lindsay Lohan was seen leaving a friend's house in Los Angeles with a mysterious white powder puffing out of her shoes. WE ARE NOT KIDDING. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. At this point we are unable to determine the exact identity of the white substance, which could be baby powder, flour, or just to make a wild guess, perhaps cocaine that has filled her body to the point where it now squirts from her toenails.
THURSDAY, MAY 6 Today Michael Lohan—deadbeat dad to Lindsay Lohan—was struck by lightning while flying in a plane from New York to LA. Unfortunately for all concerned, the plane landed safely and he continued on his path of making sure his daughter is dead before her 25th birthday. When reached for comment, God said, "What can I say? Throwing lightning bolts is not an exact science."
MONDAY, MAY 10 The New York Post reported today that Lindsay and failed pop star Avril Lavigne bared their kitty claws at Hollywood's Chateau Marmont, when Linds had the AUDACITY to stop and say "hi" to A's entourage. "But as soon as she approached," a snoopy spy noted, "Avril launched at her and said, 'Get the hell out of my face. You are a fake, you are a loser. I don't like false people." (False people? Isn't she, like, 25 years old and still buying all her clothes at Hot Topic?)
THURSDAY, MAY 20 Lindsay missed her court-mandated probation progress report hearing today, leaving the judge to wonder if she should order LiLo's ankle monitoring bracelet in small, medium, or large.
SATURDAY, MAY 22 Lindsay was photographed this weekend in Cannes alongside a glass table featuring several lines of cocaine. Linds, naturally, is pleading innocent, despite all evidence to the contrary. "What?!" Lindsay replied via email when asked by Radar Online about the booger sugar. "That's a setup that's so untrue." According to Radar, Linds claims, "she didn't know the powder was on the table." Oh, c'mon, Lindsay. If there's one person on earth who can sniff out coke, it's you.
MONDAY, MAY 24 Today the judge ordered Lindsay to wear a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring bracelet on her ankle. Stay strong Lindsay, and... wait. Put down the bone saw!
TUESDAY, JUNE 8 Beep! Beep! Beep! Hey, what's that sound? Oh, gosh... that's the noise Lindsay's SCRAM ankle bracelet makes when it detects (a) alcohol entering Lindsay's system, and (b) the judge in charge of her probation raising her bail to $200 grand! Lindsay appealed this decision in THE COURT OF TWATTER. "My scram wasn't set off—It's physically impossible considering I've nothing for it to go off," Lindsay attempted to write. (Maybe that was Tarzan's Twatter?)
TUESDAY, JULY 6 OMG... Lindsay Lohan is going to jail! Today Judge Marsha Revel sentenced our Miss Thing to 90 days in the hoosegow as well as 90 days in a drug rehab center. What?!? Give us one good reason why Lindsay should go to jail! From the LA Times: "The judge said that Lohan had repeatedly deceived authorities... and was arrested for drunk driving." Umm... okay, give us another good reason! "The judge said Lohan again lied when a white substance was found in her pants and tried to say they were someone else's pants," continued the LA Times. "Revel said she tested positive for cocaine after the arrest." Well... maybe the coke seeped through the stranger's pants into her bloodstream! Cocaine is really devious like that!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 21 "FI-RE-CROTCH! FI-RE-CROTCH! FI-RE-CROTCH!" That was the chant led by the ladies of Lynwood prison in response to Lindsay's arrival, according to the Daily Mirror. And how is Lindsay dealing with this notoriety? Mmmmm... not so well. "Her wailing was keeping everyone awake.... She had a hysterical fit, crying and yelling, so she got put in isolation," said just-released inmate Cheryl Presser. The paper also reports that Linds was taken to the infirmary because prison officials were worried about "a number of scratches on her arms." Hmm... sounds kinda upset.
MONDAY, AUGUST 2 Sucks to be you, Leonard Peltier! Lindsay Lohan is already out of jail! Though sentenced to 90 long nights in the clink, she was allowed to sashay after serving a mere 13 days. But Judge Marsha Revel has once again ruined any potential fun by ensuring she went directly into rehab. BOOOO!! How are we supposed to write a gossip column under these insanely constricted conditions??
TUESDAY, AUGUST 31 Lindsay has traded rehab for rehabbing her failed stardom. "I want my career back," she begged Vanity Fair, who has absolutely no control over such things. "I know that I'm a damn good actress... I want the respect that I had when I was doing great movies." Great movies? Let's see, there was Mean Girls, and... she knows she wasn't in The Hurt Locker, right?
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 Today TMZ reported that Lindsay failed her drug test—but Linds is defending herself! "I'm fine," she proudly told Us magazine. And TMZ? "They're all nuts," LiLo said. Phew. That was close. Glad to hear you're doing great!
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 "Regrettably, I did in fact fail my most recent drug test," Lindsay Lohan twatted today, reminding us all that everyone lies about everything.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 Lindsay is back in the pokey! Apparently her failed drug test rubbed Judge Elden Fox the wrong way, and Lindsay could remain in jail for 28 days. Let's hope Linds learns something—that actions have consequences, and that celebrities don't get special treatment.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 "Actress Lindsay Lohan was freed from jail late on Friday night after spending only 15 hours behind bars," Reuters wearily reported today. IN A RELATED STORY: Something may be wrong with the justice system.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 25 Today Lindsay Lohan made a startling discovery: rehab costs actual money. "Lindsay can't afford to pay for treatment," a source tells PopEater. "Three months at the [Betty Ford Clinic] will cost her almost $50,000." WHAT?? That's more than a week's supply of Grey Goose!
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 8 In a disappointing turn of events, Lindsay Lohan seems to be getting better. BORING!! According to Radar Online, Lindsay is reportedly reuniting with her creepy, disgusting father, Michael Lohan! "There were hugs, kisses, and even a few tears... and they even went shopping at a local Palm Desert mall." STOP IT! STOP IT! Please... We just want our Lindsay back!