Illustration by Mark Searcy

CHAPTER ONE: The Religion of Judaism

1 Jews are like the weird cousins of Christians. You know, the kind that show up to family reunions wearing Sherlock Holmes hats and smoking a pipe? And if they have a job, it's a weird job, like repairing fountain pens or spraying butter on microwave popcorn.

2 Like us Christians, Jews believe in one true God—but again, their God is a weird God. Jews believe their God "is free from all the properties of matter" and "has not any form whatever." Obviously, that's weird and wrong. God disguises himself as people all the time—usually George Burns.

3 They also seem to think Moses is cooler than Jesus, which is like thinking PCs are cooler than Macs. And they only like the first five books of the Bible (what they call the Torah) and totally diss the rest of it. HEY! GOD WORKED REALLY HARD ON THAT!!

4 Also, some Jews eat funny. For example, their Torah forbids them from eating camels (no problem there), the "rock badger" (whatever—never heard of it), the hare (agreed, bunnies are cute), the pig (NOW HOLD ON A MINUTE) and shellfish (C'MON!! That knocks out half the menu at Red Lobster!).

5 Plus their holidays are always a few days off. SEE?? They're just... blecch! WEIRD!

6 Chances of Jews going to Hell: I'd say 83 percent. The Jesus thing is a deal breaker, and Heaven is a place to be happy—not feeling awkward when your weird non-bacon-eating cousin drops in for brunch.

CHAPTER TWO: The Religion of Islam

1 First rule of Islam? NEVER SHIT-TALK ISLAM! And that is one of the great differences between Islam and the obviously superior religion of Christianity.

2 Otherwise the two religions are... umm... and don't behead me or anything when I say this! They're kind of similar.

3 They believe in one God who created the universe, so do we. They believe in angels, so do we. They believe in Judgment Day, so do we. They believe in free will, so do we. They believe their Bible (the Qur'an) is the one true word of God, and everything in it must be followed to the letter, aaaaand so do we.

4 The major difference between us and Islam? They're waaaay crazier. Seriously, they do not give a shit. Sure, Christians may hate homosexuals and deny them their civil rights, but we don't stone them.

5 (It could be argued that by our actions we encourage our teenage sons to harass and kill gays, thereby doing our dirty work for us—but that's something to discuss another day. Like in the year 2598.)

6 We also don't flog adulterers "with a hundred stripes." (We do, however, sometimes remove them from the pulpit.)

7 And we don't try to actively kill those who disagree with us—unless you count the war in Iraq, which they totally deserved.

8 OH! And we also don't put "fatwas" on the heads of those who shit-talk Christianity. Because... because... well, c'mon. We're just joking around here, right? Surely they can take a joke.

9 Right?

10 Chances of Islamic practitioners going to Hell: 100 percent. Heaven doesn't have space for people who can't take a joke.

CHAPTER THREE: The Religion of Catholicism

1 There are those that say Catholics are Christians. Au contraire, mon frere!

2 Real Christians don't want anything to do with Catholics! They make things WAY too complicated.

3 Normal Christians (like you) can simply accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior either now or 15 seconds before you die (also known as "hedging your bets"), and bing, bang, boom! You're going to heaven! Seriously, that's all you ever have to do (other than attend the occasional Tea Party Rally, and remain quiet while other Christians openly discriminate against homosexuals)!

4 But if you're a Catholic, you have to attend Mass every Sunday, memorize an insane amount of shit (including religious hierarchy, all the saints, making the sign of the cross, as well as numerous "prayers, creeds, litanies, novenas, and ejaculations"—not the fun kind).

5 You have to stand up, sit down, go to confessional, apologize for every one of the menial sins you've ever committed, "partake in the body and blood of Jesus Christ" (yeeeeesh!), fast, abstain, never use a condom, and pay a bunch of money so the Pope can sit on a golden throne of nude altar boys.

6 The upside? Catholics get wine. And nobody seems to mind if you totally get wasted.

7 So there's that?

8 Chances of Catholics going to Hell: 78 percent—but only because they make things too complicated, and would probably use Google Maps to find their way to heaven. OH! And some of them fuck little boys.

CHAPTER FOUR: The Religion of Mormonism

1 Wow, these guys give Islam a run for their crazy money. (Not that I'm making fun of Islam.)

2 Mormonism was founded in 1830—HAH! That's half the trouble right there! How can you trust any religion that was born around the same time Abraham Lincoln was going through puberty?

3 Anyway, it was started by Joseph Smith, Jr., who was supposedly approached by some angels and given "golden plates" that claimed Jesus hung out with Native Americans. (Stop laughing, you guys!)

4 Now you may be wondering how Smith was able to read these tablets, since they were supposedly printed in ancient Egyptian. According to Wikipedia, Smith dictated a translation using "a seer stone in the bottom of a hat, which he placed over his face to view the words written within the stone."

5 HAAAA-HA! STOP IT! YOU'RE KILLING ME!

6 After translating them, Smith quickly returned the tablets to the angelic guardians—because after all, why would anyone disbelieve him or want to see the tablets for themselves? This cockamamie story is even crazier than the idea of Jesus rolling away the stone in front of his tomb, and flying away to heav... wait.

7 Anyway.

8 They believe in three separate heavens, as well as multiple universes in which each universe is ruled by their own individual God. (If these Gods are smart, they'll start a union.)

9 Also? No coffee, drugs, or tobacco, and paying tithes to the church isn't an option—it's a requirement. And in certain denominations, the participants wear a "Garment of the Holy Priesthood," which is basically a set of underwear that makes granny panties look sexy.

10 So... crazy? Yeah. Not much.

11 Chances of Mormons Going to Hell: 98 percent—however, I'd be okay with these guys coming to Heaven. It'll be good for a laugh when they show up in their crazy underpants, wondering why Jesus isn't smoking a peace pipe in a teepee.