Illustration by Scrappers

GOD IN THE OLD TESTAMENT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE HULK. GOD ANGRY ALL THE TIME. GOD SMASH HUMANS. His reasons for smashing this person or that person often seem to conflict, but in the end, God kills us all. So who does he decide to specifically smite before their time is due? Heed these ultra-specific killings from among ANGRY GOD's prolific Bible body count.

Semen Wasters

Genesis 38:9-10

Okay, so Er is "wicked" and promptly smited. His dad (Judah) tells Er's brother (Onan) to go have sex with his brother's wife (Tamar). While Onan is banging his brother's wife he suddenly "knew the seed should not be his" and when "it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground." Then Onan, too, is promptly God-Smashed. Actually, it's not clear exactly what was the culprit here, but you should probably stay away from dead-brother-wife-fucking, masturbation, and the withdrawal method just to be safe.

Giants

Deuteronomy 2:20-23

God brags about killing off all the giants on Earth, which were once upon a time called Zamzummims. Really! Zamzummims. "That also was accounted a land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time... but the Lord destroyed them." Also: fuck you for disappearing all the unicorns, too.

Fornicators Who Live in the Hills

2 Chronicles 21:11-19

Jehoram should star in his own erotic horror movie. "He's a swinger... with a lust for murder!" Jehoram became king of Israel, stabbed all his brothers to death, and then "made high places in the mountains of Judah and caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication." God was angry. And thus God smote Jehoram with "great sickness by disease of the bowels, until thy bowels fall out." Very Saw IV.

Whiners

Numbers 21:5-6

When the Israelites wandering the desert with Moses begin to complain about the lack of water and tasty bread, God knows just how to punish them. "There is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread," complain the Israelites. Send in the fiery serpents! "And they bit the people; and much of the people of Israel died." Moses gets the Israelites out of the jam by sculpting a fiery serpent out of brass and putting it on a pole.

People Who Burn Incense

Numbers 16:35

In this passage, Moses tells 250 guys to burn incense for God, and God will determine which among them is holy. God smites them all with fire. (Except Moses. He loves Moses.) Lesson learned: God hates smelly people.

Mean Boys Who Make Fun of Bald People

2 Kings 2:23-24

Elisha, a balding disciple of the prophet Elijah, was walking along when a crowd of exactly 42 boys came forth and mocked him, chanting, "Go up, thou bald head; Go up, thou bald head." Elisha cursed the mob and then immediately two "she bears" came out of the woods and ripped all the boys to shreds. Ha-HA! God (and feelings) win again.

MORE ANNUAL HALLOWEEN DRESS-UP ISSUE HERE