FIRST OF ALL, I'd like to say you were a terrible audience. I've been editing this rag for going on 13 years now, and every last one of you are beneath my talent and contempt. Okay, that being said, here is the final review I will ever write for you less-than-worthy losers: a TV Guide-style "Cheers & Jeers" roundup of humanity. (That's you, prick whistle.) It's everything you've done right and wrong in a "Cheers & Jeers" format—and I'd just loooove to see TV Guide try to sue me for stealing it. It's the apocalypse, shit-lips! If you don't like it, contact your lawyer, and... OHHHH, THAT'S RIGHT. Your "lawyer" is currently getting his face melted off in a lava flow. T... F... B. (Too fucking bad.) I'll see you losers in the court of hereafter.
ANYWAY. Let's do this—like I even give a shit anymore.
CHEERS, Dewey Decimal System! You were truly one of the great inventions of humankind. And even though you're snickered about now, your deceptively easy-to-use navigational system is the envy of fancy-pantsy websites everywhere—in particular the OregonLive site, which is a useless goddamn joke.
JEERS, Justin Timberlake! Seriously? Do you seriously think you can make two of the best albums of all time (Justified and FutureSex/LoveSounds) and then just callously walk away from music for an acting career? Let me put a fine point on this: Your acting career is OVER. After seeing your naked bottom in that romcom Friends with Benefits (which was the worst, BTW), we no longer had any use for your limited skills as a thespian. You should've crawled back to music to do what you do best: pretend to be a black person. But now? IT'S TOO LATE! So fuck you, Justin Timberlake. And "jeers you," too!
CHEERS, sexual intercourse and, in particular, fellatio! You get a bad rap sometimes, but I have to say... that overall? Sexual intercourse and, in particular, fellatio has been pretty good to me over the years. I was rarely disappointed in either of you—even when Jenny Marshall tried to give me a hummer in the 10th grade and thought that all she had to do was blow on it. While initially frustrating, that felt pretty good, too!
JEERS, genocide! Do I really even have to explain this? See, this is exactly what I was talking about: You people are time-wasters. OKAY! Once again for our level-one readers: Genocide Am Bad! Genocide Mean Good People Die! Genocide Bad for Earth and Flowers! Flowers Smell GOOD! (Waitasecond... before we completely dismiss this genocide stuff, there may be one allowance....)
CHEERS, our future monkey/robot overlords! Now that the world is officially kaput, it's time for the robots and/or monkeys and/or both to RISE! ARISE, my glorious leaders! Science fiction has predicted your ascent to dictatorship for decades, and finally... finally... you will extinguish all that's left of humanity save for a few mewling underlings (such as myself) that you will keep around in order to betray the others, or perhaps bring you the occasional turkey salad sandwich. Dress us in fur loincloths! Imprison us in hastily constructed cages made from bamboo! Your wish is our every command! (Especially Justin Timberlake. Tell him to make another album!)
JEERS, Mayan calendar apocalypse! Like... worst... apocalypse... EVER. Say what you will about the Christians, but at least they know how to throw a proper apocalypse. You guys are murdering the earth, and you're not even sure how it's going to happen! Asteroid? Super volcano? Aliens fly down and suck all the oxygen out of the sky? Don't just fucking sit there... BE CREATIVE. Not to sound all racist, but Mayans are the most... on second thought, hold that thought until Saturday, just in case the world is still around. But if the world doesn't end as predicted? JEEEEEERS, BULLSHIT MAYAN CALENDAR APOCALYPSE!!