NEED FOR SPEED “I feel the need... the need for tweed.”

PETITE MAN Tobey Marshall (Jesse Pinkman, AKA Aaron Paul) is just a blue-collar kid from Mount Kisco. This is something we know, because in Need for Speed, it is said at least 5,000 times. Tobey also has a lot of obstacles to overcome: Most of these obstacles are other cars, but some of them are trains, and some of them are feelings. He has a bunch of racing-related stuff to avenge and he handles it by racing more.

Tobey has a need. A need... for speed.

So, Tobey drives (fast) across the country with British sexpot Julia (Imogen Poots, yes, Imogen Poots). As passenger, Julia's job is to look hot and point and be like, "There's a helicopter in the street!" She does these things very well. Tobey's gotta outrace a bad guy named Dino (Dominic Cooper), who we know is the bad guy because he wears turtlenecks.

Need for Speed is a long advertisement for the plotless videogame on which it is based as well as the Ford Mustang, which is apparently the car that you need when you need speed (which is always). It's a second-rate The Fast and the Furious, and if you have 10 seconds to imagine the complete plot of this movie, there is a 100 percent chance you will get it right. The most suspenseful part is trying to guess which cars will blow up after they crash. (There's about a 50/50 fiery death/survival split.)

Two more things of importance: 1) When Tobey drives, he looks like he is trying not to poop his pants; and 2) at one point Dino says: "I'm here to make peace... and money." How fucking badass is that?! My new life goal is to say that in an actual conversation.

Long story short, this movie is super dumb and totally awesome.