YOU'RE GOING TO COLLEGE. You're going to make mistakes. And while there's absolutely no reason to listen to what a bunch of old-fogey shitheads have to say about anything—LISTEN TO WHAT WE'RE SAYING NOW. If you don't want to turn out like us, heed the words in this year's precautionary Back-to-School Issue entitled, "MY GREATEST COLLEGE REGRETS." These are TRUE STORIES from actual hilarious writers about truly hilarious and humiliating things they actually, truly regret. And unless you want history to repeat itself, read and follow the advice of our sadder-but-wiser stable of authors.
Naturally, we couldn't cover every conceivable mistake you might make. So I'll try to fill in the cracks with a few of my personal college regrets. DON'T: Attend any party where someone has filled a washtub with 15 gallons of Everclear and a box of Kool-Aid. DON'T: Push a portable air conditioner out of an apartment window on top of a Toyota Celica. DON'T: Refuse a Nordic goddess who's begging you to fuck her, just because her mother is on the other side of the door. DON'T: Try to drink 100 beers within 72 hours. DON'T: Rent an apartment above a mausoleum and wonder why girls don't want to have sex with you. DON'T: Try to distinguish yourself from your classmates by wearing cowboy boots and smoking a pipe. DON'T: For a second think that a college degree entitles you to ANYTHING... regardless of what it cost. DON'T: Forget the most important rule of all, "D's get degrees." AND DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES: Get married while you're in college. I can't stress this enough. (With apologies to Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1.)
That cover it? Yep, that about covers it. Here's the rest.