PREDICTION! Developers will begin building tiny submerged apartments underneath the Willamette, which they'll rent for $1,500 a month and advertise "stunning river views."
PREDICTION! Voodoo Doughnut will be bought by Chik-fil-A.
PREDICTION! Music superstar Drake will announce he's running against Ted Wheeler and Jules Bailey for Portland mayor, causing the entire city to simultaneously say, "Ohhh fuck yeahhhhh."
PREDICTION! After years of supporting the rich and shunning the homeless, the Portland Business Alliance will receive a "no-cause eviction," and be forced to move their offices to an abandoned tannery on the outskirts of Gresham.
PREDICTION! Portland will welcome a new summertime festival called "The Transplant Fest," in which transplants will stand around waiting for someone to do something interesting.
PREDICTION! The Timbers Army will make life completely unbearable for the entirety of the 2016 soccer season. (While continuing to ignore the Portland Thorns.)
PREDICTION! Commenters on OregonLive will eventually realize that no one gives a single fuck what they think.
PREDICTION! The rain will never end, never.
PREDICTION! After your lease expires, you'll suddenly, miraculously decide Tigard "isn't all that bad."
PREDICTION! Among the people moving to Portland this coming year: Guy Fieri, Jonathan Franzen, Adam Levine, Martin Shkreli, Ben Carson, Rachel Dolezal, Jared Fogle, 14 members of the Duggar family, Lana Del Rey, Gavin Rossdale, Khloe Kardashian, Bill Cosby, Tyler Perry, Carly Fiorina, Kim Davis, Adam Carolla, E.L. James, Morrissey, the Maine Hermit, Michael Bay, Meek Mill, Jenny McCarthy, Raven Symoné, Rahm Emanuel, "The Top 15 Most Annoying BuzzFeed Employees," the entire staff of Vice, and Jennifer Lawrence (we wish).
PREDICTION! Newly elected Mayor Drake will spend each Saturday doing the "Hotline Bling" dance on the Hawthorne Bridge while handing out ice cream sandwiches.
