REAL AMERICAN: As CEO of hexavalent chromium manufacturer PsyCorp, Rob races between client meetings on his carbon fiber Merckx, creating jobs on the go as he teleconferences on his Bluetooth. Nicolle Clemetson

THAT GIANT sucking noise? That's the great socialist burden. Our liberal ruling class keeps real Americans struggling under an unbearable tax burden: cars.

The truth is, my friends, cars are emptying our pocketbooks and putting us in the red. The regional and federal governments' tab for road land values, environmental costs, subsidized parking, and mopping up after crashes adds up to 28 cents for every mile driven. That means the average Portland driver eats up $1,972 of the public bankroll every year. Despicable!

Drivers have never covered their own costs, tossing a mere pittance to the state and fed—$325 each per year in taxes that go to roads and so-called "user fees"—while 40 percent of national road funding comes from our general taxpayer coffers.

Not that this should surprise anyone. Henry Ford himself, the father of the automobile, was a National Socialist. And that wasn't a euphemism. He hoped for his product to be nationalized. Ninety years later, his dream came true with the auto industry bailouts.

Ford's big-government, lock-step funding of wasteful car programs is the ultimate betrayal of the American way of life. We are in danger of paving over the very family values that have created our exceptional society of bold men and strong, lusty women. These days, our children can't bike to school. Our elders can't cross the street. Instead, we have wider and wider roads, filled with more and more cars that pump our hard-earned money directly into foreigners' bank accounts. As if that weren't enough, these same cars are frequently—and I would not lie to you, my friends—driven by homosexuals.

And gas. Gas! A filthy substance. It's over $4 a gallon now, but its true cost is closer to $9. So who is paying for the other half? Taxpayers, that's who. When the government subsidizes every gallon of gas to the tune of $5, it's all of us who pay in the end.

In our once-great state of Oregon, less than one percent of our transportation money goes to bicycle projects—a measly $7 million of last year's $4 billion (billion!) budget. God knows what they do with the rest of it. Or how much of it they spend on those hideous roadside signs that say "Your tax dollars at work." Come on, ODOT, leave the "conceptual art projects" to the hippies in Southeast Portland.

At least Portland city officials throw cyclists a whopping (ha!) five-and-a-half percent of the city's transportation budget, promising $2.7 million these next two years to build roads that can be used for bicycling (so long as those bicyclists are meek and inclined to "share," i.e., move the hell over when an automobilist seeks passage).

But don't even get me started about our federal "representatives." Except for that liberal, bow-tie-wearing what's-his-face, all they seem to care about is that damned bridge over the Columbia. Would Tom McCall (a Republican!) have stood for this assault on our business community and our ability to capitalize on our natural resources? I think not.

All I can say is: Thank god for us bicyclists. We patriots are protecting our boys abroad by not using oil, we aren't fouling our children's lungs with car exhaust, and we're overpaying for the roads by over $200 a year in taxes. Bless our souls, but we won't be so gobsmacked by our love of country forever. Someday, friends, we will start demanding sole use of our roadways.

This madness must stop. Let us take back our streets for bicycling—and business—before our wastrel government binds us all to servitude behind the steering wheel.




Elly Blue is a bicycle rider and writer who blogs at Grist.org and BikePortland.org. She penned this article on behalf of Daughters of the Wheelmen of the Tea Party.