Forever Love Pet Portraits
Biting the Christmas tree cord and getting electrocuted; asphyxiating at the hands of a Christmas Eve fire; choking on turkey bones dug from the trash. Let's face it, pets die, especially during the holidays. Brighten your loved one's darkest day with a pet portrait by Jennet Inglis, owner of Forever Love Pet Portraits. Inglis paints the dead pet, channeling its remembered life energy through art, and then brings that good feeling right into the former owner's shattered soul (and living room). With a lifelike pet portrait, the only tears that will be shed this Christmas are tears of joy!
Pet Portraits, $450-$650,
www.petportraitsbyjen.com
Madagascar Hissing Cockroach
We all know someone who's lonely. And maybe your lonely friend is not the fluffy-bunny-kitty-puppy type. For these sorts of fur-allergic, lonely people, the Mercury recommends the Madagascar Hissing Cockroach. Reaching an impressive length of 4 inches, the hissing roaches are related to, but not nearly as disgusting or unsanitary as their cousins, the common cockroach. Hissers, as admirers call them, require minimal care, eat moistened dog food, and can actually fly when they get the gumption. Available at various sites online for under $10, this gift is action-packed and affordable.
Smoke Ring Guns
Finally, toys that help say, "Oh muffin, I love you so much, I'll shoot you with smoke rings!" Perfect playthings for stoners, drunks, kids, and especially frisky kittens. This is hands-down the only product available online where visitors can view a live housecat happily being shot! Choose from the Zero Launcher and the Zero Blaster, both of which come with three ounces of cherry-scented Super Fluid, good for more than 25,000 fog rings, and hours of human/pet one on one! Not yet banned by the EPA, FDA, or DEA.
Smoke Ring Guns, $19.95, zerotoys.com/products/
THE OBSESSIVE ANIMAL LOVER
