Ever had the need to sew your pants pocket without taking your pants off? Need to mend those frayed curtains, but don't want to de-rod them? No worries! Use Handy Stitch, the amazing portable sewing device that fits in the palm of your hand! Basically a glorified staple gun that hems, this baby will whir its way into anyone's heart just as quickly as a mumu transforms into a tropical cocktail number.
Handy Stitch (comes with tons of extras like bobbins and thread), $14.99 + s&h, available at www.ideavillage.com.
Uncle Booger's Bumper Dumper
Ever feel like you're so busy with clients, board meetings, and trade shows that you can't even find five minutes to take a nice, leisurely bowel movement? Do you often find yourself caught in traffic jams with no place to unload? Then Uncle Booger's Bumper Dumper is the gift for you! The only hitch-mounted, portable toilet seat, the Bumper Dumper snaps right on to the back of your car and is the most comfortable, stable, and sanitary port-a-potty in the world. As long as your car is stopped, you can pinch one off anywhere! With Uncle Booger's Bumper Dumper, you'll never be caught squatting on the side of the road again!
Uncle Booger's Bumper Dumper, $59.95, www.bumperdumper.com
For any CEO, politician, child pornographer, or terrorist, a computer is a must. But then again, so is complete security. For these sorts of high-level professionals, Evidence Terminator is a must. The program not only saves you hours of hard drive cleaning by washing all internet history from the computer's memory (including the porno site you've been browsing inflight), but for those with a propensity for legal scrapes, it may save you years in the slammer.
Evidence Terminator, $49.95, www.detect-spyware.com/anti-spy-home.htm
Patek Perpetual Tourbillon Repeater 5016P Wristwatch
What better way to say, "I love you, you superficial, materialistic fuckface," than by purchasing your absentee husband the stupidest wristwatch ever made (with his own money!!!)--the Patek Philippe Perpetual Tourbillon Repeater 5016P. Apparently, the 5016P, part of the "Grand Complication" line of watches, is a masterpiece. It is the first watch to combine a tourbillon, a minute repeater, a perpetual calendar with fly-back date hand, and the phases of the moon.
Patek Philippe Perpetual Tourbillon Repeater 5016P, about $500,000 on ebay.