Much has been written of the illicit former romance and graphic emails allegedly exchanged between Portland Police Chief Derrick Foxworth and Angela Oswalt, his subordinate at the time. [See page 6 for further details.] And while the media has focused on whether or not Foxworth should be fired for his actions, no one has sought to answer the central questions of this controversy: Is it a crime to be SEXY? And isn't it a bigger crime to compose sexy emails that aren't SEXY?
If the emails printed below are to be believed, Chief Foxworth is the "Billy Dee Williams of the Portland Police Bureau"—a man who expresses his sexual desires in no uncertain terms. But do his emails rise to the true level of "SEXY"? To find out, the Mercury's Wm. Steven Humphrey has deconstructed each of these alleged emails, and discovered that beneath his golden shield, Derrick Foxworth is both a strong leader—and a sexual dynamo with a gooey, chocolate center.
NOTE: THE FOLLOWING EMAILS ARE REAL—ALLEGEDLY WRITTEN BY FOXWORTH TO ANGELA OSWALT—AND HAVE BEEN REPRINTED EXACTLY EXCEPT FOR MINOR EDITING DUE TO SPACE CONSIDERATIONS.
MY BIG PENIS :)
"I will push you against the wall and kiss you passionately. I want you to be completely submissive and follow my lead. I would take you upstairs to your bedroom... you sliding down to your knees and me up against the wall and you going down on me taking all of me into your mouth. While doing this you could rub your hands all over my body, my chest, arms, and wherever else you would want. You would also really see just how big I am :) I want it to be slow and passionate. I would then walk you over to the bed... and have you show me your sweet round tan ass and spread your legs. I would then slowly put the tip of my cock into your pussy, just enough to tease you, before slowly sliding all of me deep into your tight wet pussy."
YES! THIS IS SEXY: Chief Foxworth is obviously a man who reads a lot of Penthouse Forum. So he knows what a woman wants—and what a woman wants is to please HIM. Angela is expected to do A LOT: oral sex, body rubs, showing him specific body parts, and ultimately taking in all of his manhood. BUT! On his schedule and at his pace. This talent will serve him well later in his career, when he is teaching employees the importance of time management. EXTRA POINTS: The addition of a "smiley face" so Angela won't be frightened by the size of his penis. That's very considerate.
I MAKE LOVE TO YOUR MOUTH
"I have daydreamed about you wearing one of your most sexy special outfits. I then push you against the wall... and my tongue enters your mouth and I make love to your mouth then I want to make love to your body. I push my body closer so you can feel my enlarged cock and how big it is and how much it wants you. I unbutton my pants and belt and let them drop to the floor. There completely exposed in front of you is my naked brown chocolate body and this huge hard-on for you to take and enjoy in any way you choose. I love a very submissive woman, so you then go to your knees and begin to go down on me. I kiss you and then we go to your bedroom where we continue our passionate love making... hmmm...."
YES! THIS IS SEXY: This email is especially enthralling because it hints at Angela's "sexy special outfits." Did she dress up like a French maid? A sexy clown? Vera Katz? The mind reels. Regardless, while Angela is still expected to take a submissive role, Foxworth knows that consideration for a woman's feelings is just as important as reminding her how enormously huge his penis is. For example, Foxworth doesn't merely fuck her mouth... he makes love to it. And to further prove how thoughtful he is, he signs off with "hmmm." See? He's thinking about Angela's feelings.
CAN WE MAKE THIS HAPPEN?
"A, I desparately [sic] want to see you and want to be the man, the lover that satisfies those inner urges and fantasies. I want to share mine with you. We are so much alike and know if given the time and opportunity that we can take each other to another level and area of our sexuality that we both want to explore. Are you available today? This afternoon? I do want to respect your privacy and respect the fact that _____ is home, but there are many times I would love to slip into your bed and in between your legs and deep into your pussy! Can we make that happen somehow? D"
NO! THIS IS NOT SEXY: Sorry, Foxworth, you blew it. Apparently, the soon-to-be-chief was feeling a bit emotionally raw on this day—and it shows! He "desparately" [sic] wants to satisfy her "inner urges and fantasies" and even worse, wants "to share mine with you"?? What's he going to do next? CRY? Check it, DF: Exposing yourself emotionally is a TURN-OFF. And even though you later make a play to cuckold her man by slipping into her bed and between her legs, you end your missive with "Can we make that happen somehow?" Playa... what are you doing? Derrick Foxworth doesn't beg!
QUICK QUOTES FROM THE LOVE FILES
"I love the idea of picking you up with you wearing nothing [but] heels, stockings, and a cream lace teddy. I can think of nothing better than driving to a secluded park and having you reach over and unzip my pants, only to find I am wearing nothing underneath and nothing to prevent your beautiful white soft hands from grabbing my chocolate cock."
NO! THIS IS NOT SEXY: Plus, "going commando" is clearly a violation of police bureau dress code.
"You start kissing and nibbling on me, working your way down and slowly going down on your [sic] sweet cock taking it deep into your mouth. HMMMMMM, I then grab your beautiful blonde hair and pull you back, and kiss you passionately. I push you back on the seat and spread your legs wide apart as I prepare to take you and become part of you. Hmmm... call me."
YES! THIS IS SEXY: Hmmmmmm! See how HARD he's thinking about you, girl? HMMMMMM!
"Then I want to slide my thick chocolate cock deep into that moist tight pussy of yours and hear you moan... Any questions???"
YES! THIS IS SEXY: Again, Foxworth proves he is more than capable of taking on a leadership role. He clearly lays out his objectives, and then circumvents confusion and possible failure by asking if there are any questions. No wonder former-Mayor Katz was impressed!
"As I hold your hips and drive your pussy onto my cock and with each thrust going deeper until you reach the point that you explode and tell me "OH D!" But I'm not done with my little submissive beautiful blonde... I plunge my cock into your pussy again, again, and again... until I explode and you feel my come deep inside and you once again become part of me and I part of you."
YES! THIS IS SEXY: In this final email, Foxworth dips deep into his creative well to turn what was once "porn" into "poetry." Or "pornetry," if you will. Foxworth touches—both literally and figuratively—on the true essence of coitus; the commingling of two souls. Even today as chief of police, Foxworth continues to practice this belief, mixing officer and citizen together in an explosion of understanding and beauty—or as he calls it, "community policing."
Ain't too much sexier than that.