Todd Saucier

True Parent 7

How to Help Your Kid Own Their Parties

Getting Kids Outdoors

Don’t Be a Butthole Soccer Dad

Ask the Parent!

My Daughter, Tilda Swinton

Blurred Lines

Parent to Parent

Open Married with Children

Roam Schooled

Congratulations! You are two years old.

By now, you will have gotten well acquainted with the people you call “parents”: their charms, their foibles, their many strange and hairy parts. But you may be wondering about the next steps toward raising parents you can be proud to call your own. And if you are reading this article, it’s obvious you’re ready to enter into a deeper and more meaningful phase of parental education and development—the toddler years. The first step is to determine what raw parent material you’re working with. What kind of parent do you have? And how can you best wind their aching hearts around your chubby, sticky finger? Take this quiz to find out.


You have a potty accident... in the middle of your aunt’s wedding ceremony. Does your parent:

a. Whisk you out of the church before a drop of urine hits your fancy trousers?

b. Ignore the ever-increasing pee puddle even as you exclaim, “I peed! I peed!” while gleefully stomping in your own waste?

c. Accident? What accident? As far as your dad is concerned, you’ll be in diapers till you’re 30.


Mommy thinks it’s naptime—you beg to differ. Does she:

a. Immediately enroll you in daycare just for the naptime regimen?

b. Defer to your obviously superior judgment and let you stay awake until around dinnertime, when you collapse into a pile of tears and regret?

c. Spend two hours Googling “naptime solutions,” while you busy yourself transferring all your clothes from the dresser to the toilet?


The nighttime temperature drops below 60 degrees. What will you wear for jammies?

a. Whatever Daddy’s wearing because he’s perfectly warm at night, so... nothing.

b. The sequined princess dress Grandma gave you last year for Christmas that causes you to break out in a rash and is two sizes too small—but you want to!!

c. Footsy PJs, topped by a down comforter, topped by a wool blanket, as the pool of sweat grows ever wider beneath your head.


You want your mommy to read to you. She:

a. Reads two books, then it’s off to bed—no questions asked.

b. Because of your cajoling (whining), she reads you all the books on your bookcase, including Florida’s Fabulous Birds and that issue of People that got in there somehow.

c. Is it possible you like books too much? Is there something wrong with you? Better Google that....


You are mad. You exclaim, “I’ll kill you!”—a handy phrase you picked up from watching cartoons. Your mommy’s reaction?

a. Not sure... you’ve been stuck in time out forever.

b. She apologizes profusely about everything, including the time you were nine months old and she let you sit in your poopy diaper for, like, 30 minutes because she thought she smelled something, but wasn’t sure, but then Grandma called and... well, you don’t even remember any of this, anyway.

c. The appointment for the therapist is Monday at 9 am sharp.


TYPES:

If you chose mostly A’s, you have an:

Authoritarian Parent. This type of parent thinks she’s the boss. Unfortunately, if you’re saddled with this parental personality, you’ll have to do extra work to dispel her of this belief, because she is as stubborn as getting yourself dressed is long.

If you chose mostly B’s, you have a:

Permissive Parent. You’re in luck, as half the work has been done for you, due to your parent’s weak character, and all the mistakes that haunt him from his own cold and unfeeling childhood.

If you chose mostly C’s, you have a:

Befuddled Parent. This parent acts as if he was just informed he has a child, and has no idea what to do with one. This works well at the toy store—but quite poorly when you need a diaper change.

But don’t forget the love! Last, but not least, no parent should be without a huge dose of toddler love. Parents need kisses, kind words, and hugs every day. Love will ensure the development of happy and healthy parents in the long run. Yes, parental training can be hard—but the rewards of watching your parents play, grow, and learn, will far exceed the challenges.