One Day at a TIme 

The Week in Review

MONDAY, JULY 3 The entire city of Portland took a long, hot shower today in an attempt to wash away the dirty feelings caused by Pat Buchanan's visit to the City of Roses on Sunday. A shoe-in for the Reform party Presidential nomination, Buchanan enthralled an audience consisting of 35 people (HAW! HAW!) at the DoubleTree Hotel at Jantzen Beach. During his speech, Buchanan advocated pulling our military forces out of Europe and putting them on the Mexican border to keep out illegal immigrants, as well as making strange threats to the Chinese. "If you don't stop prosecuting Christians," Buchanan warned China, "if you don't stop threatening Taiwan, if you don't stop threatening our country, I think you fellows have probably sold your last pair of chopsticks in any mall in the United States of America." Whoa!! Hold on there, Pat! If we can't buy our chopsticks at the mall, where are we gonna buy them??

TUESDAY, JULY 4 Today in Portland, a wide variety of Americans celebrated our nation's greatest day by getting drunk and blowing shit up. On the Broadway Bridge many fine Americans gathered to watch the fireworks show over Waterfront Park, as well as viewing a single person's fireworks show on the Broadway Bridge. Sponsored by "Drunk Guy with a Mullet," the Broadway Bridge fireworks show featured an exciting array of firecrackers, bottle rockets, roman candles, and lady fingers. However, while most people shoot off fireworks to draw attention to themselves, "Drunk Guy with a Mullet" was unexpectedly shy--even horrified by the attention. "Whatwhat are you people looking at??" he yelled at the onlookers. "Stop staring! Stop staring at me!" he screamed, stumbling away from the mob of prying eyes trained on him. However, "Drunk Guy with a Mullet" was to face even more humiliation and attention as he slipped and tumbled into a dense patch of shrubbery. Unable to express his embarrassing grief, "Drunk Guy with a Mullet" arose from the bushes, and regaled the crowd with one final epithet before returning to a life of cherished anonymity: "My ass hurts!" Happy Fourth of July, "Drunk Guy with a Mullet." Happy Fourth of July.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 5 Usually, One Day refers all lovelorn gas station attendants to the gas station attendant's classified ads, which run every week in one of our city's most open-minded publications, the Gas Attendant Herald. Yet, on this occasion One Day realizes that we must step outside the Gas Station friendly-community to help out one of our fellow gas-station-attendant brothers.

Tonight, One Day pulled into Estby, a gas station on the corner of SE Holgate and 24th. After taking our gasoline order, the attendant asked us if we often frequent the downtown clubs. Since it's no secret that One Day loves the night life, and loves to boogie, we answered in the affirmative. The attendant sighed with relief, and asked if might know of his soulmate, Jessica Hardy, who also frequently attends downtown clubs. Strange as it may sound, One Day had never heard of any Jessica Hardy. Obviously dejected and with head hung low, the attendant apologized, begging us if we ever saw Jessica Hardy, to please inform her that her soulmate is working at the Estby station. Well, gas station attendant--consider it done!

Attention Jessica Hardy! If you're out there, what are you waiting for? Soulmates don't come along every day! Get your ass over to Estby!

THURSDAY, JULY 6 OMIGOD--A Bigfoot sighting! Previously thought to be the wild imaginings of syphilitic nature-lovers, Bigfoot (or "Maize," as the Native Americans like to call him) was spotted this past weekend by an absolutely 100% reliable source: a psychologist. According to a report in today's Oregonian, psychologist Matthew Johnson spotted the large, lumbering brute while hiking at the Oregon Caves National Monument. Johnson, who was reportedly "squatting" in the woods at the time [!?!], saw the beast standing upright behind a tree about 60 feet away. As further proof of Bigfoot's authenticity, Johnson claimed to have smelled a "pungent, musky scent"--though One Day would bet the smell was probably coming from whatever he was squatting over. No one else saw the monster, and an investigation is pending. However, One Day is so intrigued by this tale that we are offering a $10,000 bounty for the safe capture of Bigfoot, who will be dressed in a diaper and work the cash register at our Chinese chopsticks kiosk in the Clackamas Town Center Mall.

FRIDAY, JULY 7 Hello? Sam Donaldson? This morning, One Day uncovered a major breaking news story. The Hawthorne Safeway--longtime Mecca for the recycling community--has forsaken its glory and installed (oh, the horror) bottle and can recycling machines. Approaching the recycling area with our shopping cart full of several hundred beer bottles, we were faced with several gleaming monstrosities.

We froze, stunned. In the past, a healthy, well-groomed Safeway employee would take your bottles and return several minutes later with a refund slip. Now we were forced to feed the bottles by hand--one by fucking one! And when we attempted to feed the ghoulish machines, the clanking bucket of bolts rejected a third of our bottles and we broke a nail. Safeway, why have you forsaken the comfort of human contact? At least you could hire a security person. We noticed the recycling machines are completely unguarded and are vulnerable to vandalism. It'd be a shame if someone were to stuff a firecracker in one.

SATURDAY, JULY 8 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was released today, and we haven't seen such ado over a publication since the Starr Report. The Oregonian reported that hundreds of tiny people in pajamas filled Powell's, all grappling for the 734 page behemoth--which, incidentally, is longer than all the books the Mercury staff has read in the past month put together. While we are pleased that children are interested in the occult arts, One Day has serious concerns about allowing them to read. Once the little no-neck monsters get all literate, the next thing you know they'll be demanding voting rights and beer. The way we see it, children should be made to work in factories until they're old enough to work as factory supervisors.

SUNDAY, JULY 9 Feeling lethargic? Falling asleep at the wheel when you're not even drunk? This may be why: Senator Charles E. Schumer announced today that the United States may soon face the most serious domestic energy crisis since the '70s. Though we don't see any evidence of this--One Day remains as perky as a nipple in winter--we defer to Citizen Schumer. So, in an effort to ward off this coming tide of sloth we suggest taking the same approach in fighting the energy crisis that worked so well back in the '70s: Namely, cocaine. Lots of it. Cocaine for everyone! We urge those of you who have access to large amounts of cocaine to distribute it immediately, free of charge, to those around you. You owe it to America. (If you need assistance in the distribution process, you can drop your cocaine by the Mercury office. As always, we are here to help you.)

Saywhere are those hot tips?

ann@portlandmercury.com

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