MONDAY, AUGUST 14
As 100 Russian sailors slowly asphyxiated in a submarine at the bottom of the Barents Sea, the Democrats were throwing a kickass party in Los Angeles with special guests Warren Beatty, Tommy Lee Jones, and that lady who plays Murphy Brown! Spotting a terrific opportunity to get drunk, laid, and wear ridiculous hats, delegates arrived from across the country to nominate the man they knew was going to be nominated anyway. Even President Bill Clinton showed up for an impromptu speech, which we will encapsulate for you now: "Economy's good. It's wrong for kids to starve. Al Gore is perfect in every way." Meanwhile, outside of the convention center, following a Rage Against the Machine concert, violence erupted when a group of Laker fans still celebrating the NBA championship got in a shoving match with the LAPD. The cops responded with volleys of rubber bullets (which, while sounding innocent enough, actually smart!), shooting every anarchist, schoolteacher, lawyer, rabbi, 10-year-old, and O.J. Simpson in sight. When asked to comment on the melee outside the Democratic convention, one of the asphyxiating Russian sailors said, "Rage Against the Machine, my ass! Those fucking hypocrites record for Sony!"

TUESDAY, AUGUST 15
Oh, those kooky prison guards! Apparently hoping to spice up the daily grind of prison life, a Washington state corrections officer sprinkled itching powder on the bed linens of four inmates. Unfortunately, one of the prisoners, Steven Ostrander, couldn't take a fucking joke. What a wet blanket! Oh, committing a crime is okay, but not a practical joke? Ostrander whined to the Department of Correction higher-ups and had the jokester officer placed on administrative leave. Boo-fucking-hoo! Hey, Mr. Threat-to-Society: lighten up! Instead of being so serious, why not join in on the fun? Try short sheeting one of the prisoners' beds! Use a joy buzzer on one of the jailbirds on death row! OH! And here's a good one! Nothing gets laffs in the men's shower like a rubber shank!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 16
More Democratic Convention news! Today One Day's heart was set aflutter when the one and only Brandon Walsh of 90210 called us! Unfortunately, he wasn't calling for a date but to recount his horrifying experience at the hands of the LAPD. Brandon (throb, throb) said he was hit in his beer belly (??!!!) by a rubber bullet while trying to have a good time at the Rage Against the Machine protest concert. He was caught up in a fray that ensued when some "retards started throwing rocks and chunks of cement at the police." It is questionable, however, whether it really was "retards" and not the LAPD that provoked this melee. According to the LA Times, the streets were crawling with undercover cops. One of these contemptuous snitches was even wearing a "Free Mumia" bandana. Besides defaming the name of our favorite death-row inmate, he did it wearing a BANDANA! Ughhh! One Day was further disappointed when we realized that it was not actually Brandon Walsh of Beverly Hills, 90210 who was calling, but Brendan Welsh of Portland (next you'll be telling me Brandon isn't even a real person).

THURSDAY, AUGUST 17
After three long years, one of the most mysterious art thefts in Portland history was solved today. In 1997, three works of art worth $80,000 were stolen from a local art gallery. Two of the paintings were by De Scott Evans: "Daisies in a Glass," which depicts (oddly enough) some daisies in a glass, and "The Irish Question," a vaguely racist picture of two potatoes hanging from a string. The third was just some stupid Russian czar, yet it was priced at 30,000 bucks! If there's any real criminal in this story, it sounds like the gallery owner--but we digress. Three years passed, and in June, the potatoes on a string and the stupid czar paintings were discovered (we think appropriately) next to a rusted push mower at a Salem flea market. Then, acting on an anonymous tip, detectives raided a homeless man's camper today to discover the final painting. Using their own brand of justice, the detectives didn't arrest the man, claiming he was "clueless." Naturally, One Day is not fooled for a second! What? Just because he's homeless he can't be an international art thief? Perhaps our city's detectives should spend a little less time in sensitivity classes and a little more time watching The Thomas Crown Affair! (SighIsn't Pierce Brosnan the dreamiest?)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 18
The Oregonian reported today that two Washington residents attempted to sell their votes on eBay. We were SHOCKED. Are there no more patriots? Would Charlton Heston sell his vote? Would Harrison Ford? We were further disheartened to learn that one of the votes got a bid of $10,000. Why, candidates spend that much per person on advertising, and millions on buttons! And this e-dweeb wants to trade his vote for less than it costs to buy a Ford Focus? A vote in a presidential election is worth twice that! Now, we don't take issue with peddling votes. Sell 'em in WalMart, for all we care. But sell them for what they're worth. That way you're not insulting all those silly optimists who died to win suffrage for an asshole's right to vote.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 19
According to the New York Times, members of a recent North Pole expedition reached their destination, only to find there was no glacier left on which to plant a flag. It was all water. Has the North Pole melted? Or, is this, as many policy makers and global warming skeptics would have us believe, a "natural fluctuation?" Chlorofluorocarbons and politics aside, there seems to be a critical inquiry that has been ignored in recent coverage: Santa Claus. As the world's children know, Jolly Old Saint Nick has resided at the pole ad infinitum. Isn't anyone concerned about what may have happened to him? Is anyone considering a rescue operation? Has anyone even looked to find a red and white hat floating in the Arctic? Though NATO refuses to comment, the writing is on the wall. One Day predicts a very bleak Christmas indeed. Ho. Ho. Ho.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 20
Oh, the humanity. The Oregonian reported today that a Goodyear blimp crashed in Philadelphia. The blimp hit a 40-foot-high mooring mast, which punctured the airship, and sent the cockpit and its 10 passengers skidding along a grassy knoll. The passengers walked away unharmed, but a despondent Goodyear spokesman reported that "the blimp was a total loss." The incident brought to mind the crash of the dirigible Hindenburg in Lakehurst, New Jersey in 1937 (without all the fire and dead people). It also brought to mind the Firestone tire recall (with the fire and dead people), and the fact that Firestone sure wouldn't mind seeing one less Goodyear blimp hovering above the Phillies game. Not that we're implying that a Firestone executive was seen in the area of the crash carrying a crossbow--he wasn't. However, is it merely coincidence that Firestone has refused to return our calls? Hmmmmm?

Also today, a man was spotted in the MLK Safeway buying six watermelons and a container of Vaseline. Just thought you'd like to know.

Hot Tips: You've Got 'Em, Ann Wants 'Em! ann@portlandmercury.com