TUESDAY, AUGUST 29
Today, presidential hopeful Al Gore visited Oregon. ZZZZZZZZZweee, weeee, weeeeZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZsnort! In other news, there's trouble ahead for the residents of Tigard, as it was announced today that the end is near for stone-washed jeans. Thanks to the Sierra Club and 13 Native American tribes, mining companies will no longer dig on Arizona's Sugarloaf Mountain for precious pumice; the rock responsible for giving stone-washed jeans and mulleted Tigard residents the look they crave. BUT IS IT WORTH IT? Wayne Taylor, chairman of Arizona's Hopi tribe, is happy about the ruling because he believes the mountain is the home of kachina spirits who live part of the year as clouds surrounding the peaks. On the other hand, Bobby Helberg, a Tigard resident and installation expert for Les Schwab Tire Center, offers an opposing view: "Dude. No more stone-washed? And I'm supposed to see Def Leppard on Saturday! This is so HEIN!"
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30
As One Day reported last month, the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) slammed the Portland Mercury for causing neurological damage and learning disabilities in children. According to them, children who consumed more than their daily allotted percentage of Mercury "may be at special risk." But the persecution continues! The following headline was splashed across today's New York Times: "200,000 Homes in Illinois to be Searched for Mercury!" According to the article, the Nicor Gas company plans to "inspect as many as 200,000 homes for traces of Mercury, having discovered it in 44 during a preliminary investigation." They not only erroneously claim that our fine little paper can cause "extreme toxicity" but leads to "disorders ranging from hand tremors and appetite loss to vast brain and kidney damage." (!!!) This chilling turn of events should spur Portlanders to heed the following warning: If someone from "the gas company" comes to your door, asking to "read your meter," slam it in their face and yell, "You can have my Mercury--when you pry it from my cold, dead (and possibly trembling) hand!"
THURSDAY, AUGUST 31
In a shameful display of cultural assimilation, another highly regarded art form has been irreversibly cheapened: the lap dance. Rock radio station KUFO 101 FM held an event tonight at Doc's strip club on 30th and Powell, in which they attempted to set the world record for "the most lap dances performed simultaneously." The plan was to gather together 101 of our city's finest strippers, and let them grind away in the laps of 101 lucky, male listeners. However, according to more than one disappointed One Day reader, the evening was an abysmal failure. These informants claim that only around 50 strippers showed up for the event (we're assuming they weren't being paid for the privilege), forcing the lap dance-a-thon to be broken into two rounds in order to hit the 101 lap dance mark. Though 50 of the winners got their lap dance, the ladies were so infuriated by the meatheads' refusal to tip, many whipped on their clothing and stomped out in a huff. This left many a gentleman (including one of our snitches) alone, and with a decidedly cold crotch. Once again a boorish, unthinking corporation has subverted a subtle, time-honored art form into a cheap, McDonald's-style of mass consumption. SHAME, KUFO SHAME!!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 1
Speaking of boorish, unthinking corporations, Seattle's KING 5 News reported today that Starbucks will, as of next month, no longer allow free weeklies to be stocked in their outlets. This policy will affect the Portland Mercury, as well as hundreds of lower quality, lesser-known papers. Starbucks says it's banning the papers "to decrease clutter and improve the aesthetic appearance" of its stores. For a company that's made many smart decisions (save the Joe Magazine fiasco), this reeked of "boneheadity," as the company has, in one broad stroke, alienated and embittered an entire nation of surly alternative weekly writers including yours truly. Whatever happens, just remember we didn't throw the first punch.
In a related story, according to the Associated Press, a man who killed two children with a pitchfork in Merced, California was not high on drugs at the time of the attack. Sheriff Tom Sawyer, who had speculated that the killer, Jonathon David Bruce, gunned down at the scene, had been under the influence, said he was "absolutely shocked" by the results. We respectfully suggest that there might be another explanation for Jonathon David Bruce's rampage. Tom Sawyer tested Bruce's blood for alcohol, opiates, PCP, LSD, marijuana, and methamphetamine, but he neglected to look for the most insidious drug of all--caffeine! Want answers, Tom Sawyer? Look to the Merced Starbucks.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
In other beverage news today, Laura Ohm, of Northeast Portland, allowed a Greek man of dubious intentions to pour ouzo down her throat for 13 seconds. "I would never let anyone do this with a Starbucks latte," she told this reporter. "Starbucks is stupid."
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 3
And in yet another blow to the beverage world, CNN reported that an earthquake hit California's wine country today. The quake surprised and startled seismologists who were unaware there was a fault line under Napa--but are now looking forward to naming it. While Napa's wine and hot air balloon industry is a-OK, beverage industry mavens have been jolted out of their complacency up and down the West Coast. According to our sources at Seattle's Best Coffee, rumor has it that Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has sought refuge in a shelter made entirely from remaindered copies of his book, Pour Your Heart Into It: How Starbucks Built a Company One Cup at a Time. He is said to be working on a new book, Suck Their Hearts Dry: How Starbucks Screwed the Little Guys. Look for it next fall at your local, corporate mega-chain.
We hate Starbucks.