One Day at a Time 

The Week in Review

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 For those of you who think Oregon coddles its prison population--cover your ears! Today the Oregon State Penitentiary "went Hollywood" as 170 inmates were invited to serve as extras for a new Barry Levinson film starring Bruce Willis and William Robert "Billy Bob" Thornton. The prisoners who agreed to be willing cogs for the Hollywood machine were paid $25 a day, which (Bill Sizemore will be happy to note) is woefully below industry standard. Regardless, the inmates whooped it up as a Bruce Willis stunt double escaped from the prison by crashing a stolen cement truck through the front gate! And just in case the prisoners got any funny ideas, a Corrections Department spokeswoman was quick to point out that a speeding cement truck would make nary a dent in the armored coating of actual prison bars. Regardless, it was a fun day away from the dreary boredom of shiv stabbings and anal rape that usually accompanies prison life. However (and wouldn't you know it?) there's always one complainer in the crowd. Red "the Slasher" Helky, a 39-year-old lifer in for one count of murder and assault with a deadly weapon, thought the catering for the movie was for crap. "You call that goose liver?" Red bellyached. "Jeffrey Dahmer could make better foie gras!"

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 On the ever-fascinating topic of criminal behavior-- guess who got arrested for spousal abuse? Rick Springfield! Best known for his one-hit wonder "Jessie's Girl"--which, btw, directly defies God's tenth commandment about steering clear of thy neighbor's ass--Springfield was busted at his Malibu home after an altercation with his wife, Barbara. A spokesman from the Springfield camp says the whole sordid affair was nothing more than a (surprise!) "misunderstanding," vehemently insisting the Springfields are "happily married." However, you could've fooled Springfield's sister-in-law who dialed 911 after hearing the screaming, yelling and punch-filled "misunderstanding," but hung up before filing the report. Local police, perhaps eager to meet the faded rock star and former General Hospital cast member, ignored the hang-up and sped to the residence with autograph books in hand. Noting that Mrs. Springfield had "minor injuries to her face and arm," the police rightly cuffed the has-been and carted him off to the hoose-gow. After spending the night in jail, Springfield was released on $50,000 bail, and probably figures this incident to be the perfect ending to his upcoming VH1 episode of Behind the Music.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 "I didn't even know these patrol cars had Internet access," an anonymous bystander said this evening after videotaping a police officer surfing porno sites in his patrol car. "I just thought they were computers that linked them to the police station for tracking criminals--not looking at naked women." The annual Puyallup Fair has been raging in western Washington for the past two weeks, celebrating its centennial with livestock shows, hog-calling contests and Clint Black. But tonight the fair added another attraction. After leaving the dust-choked fairgrounds, several attendees walked by a parked patrol car. One man was so intrigued by what he saw that he videotaped a Puyallup police sergeant scanning through a few skin websites (www.jailbait.com, anyone?). Although the tape was turned over to a local television station and, in turn, shown to the Puyallup's department chief, Rodger Cool, the porno-loving sergeant remains on duty. According to Cool, there could be a legitimate reason why the veteran officer was perusing porn. At press time, there were no reports on whether or not that was a nightstick in the copper's hand.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 While we're on the topic of perusing porn in automobiles, this morning on the corner of 15th and Weidler, a woman rear-ended another car while reading the latest edition of the Portland Mercury. Now, while One Day has often come out against the unsafe practice of cell-phone usage while driving, we would hate to think that this one isolated incident should stop anyone from reading the Mercury while behind the wheel. Using a cell phone, and reading our fine paper while blasting down I-5 are two totally different things. One can talk on the phone anytime, but how can one resist the Mercury's scintillating features, the charming and uninformed arrogance of our music writers, or the playful anal fixation of Savage Love? No, these people who value information over their own personal safety should be considered cherished members of our society, and given free rein toHEY! LOOK OUT FOR THAT OLD LADY CROSSING THE STREET!!! (Ha. Just kidding.)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 Tonight North by Northwest blasted off in earnest, so we trotted down to Satyricon (in our nattiest cashmere twin set) to see Revolutionary Hydra, Little Champions, and John Vanderslice. The punk venue seems to have been hosed down since our last venture through its hallowed halls, and seating has apparently been added for the more geriatric of its studded-belt-wearing, bollocks-never-minding regulars. But what really caught our eye was a handwritten placard affixed in the corner above the bar. We could barely make it out--but it either read "Bush Is A Killer," or "Bush Is Killer." Our guess? The latter. We always suspected that the Satyricon toughs were secret Gavin Rossdale fans. You go, girls! Later on, the charming ambiance of Mary's Club provided our overheard quote of the night, uttered by one frat boy talking to another. He said: "You know, I don't have any problem with lesbianism as long as it's girl-on-girl."

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 All the kids busted out their best hipster duds today for the big Mercury/Barsuk Records/Nail Distribution/Red Hook/Insound.com/Cutty Sark party at Ohm. Geek-chic glasses were a must (worn by far more people than could have possibly had bad vision). But the haute couture of the moment was the ubiquitous "pop culture relic" 100-percent-cotton T-shirt. Subjects of T homage included Ratt, Save the Whales, the WNBA, The Fantastic 4, Epcot Center, Speed 2: Cruise Control, and (on our own Wm. Steven Humphrey) Atari. Some hipsters opted for the plain colored T (slightly frayed, pocket optional), while one hipster we spotted wore a decidedly unadorned white undershirt. "It's a statement meant to bemoan the world's lost purity," he explained. Really? "No," he admitted. "My Green Lantern shirt was dirty."

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 Tonight, recovering from all the smoke and the loud noise and T-shirts with ironic slogans of NXNW, we decided to stay home and watch a movie. We couldn't find our old standby, Bicentennial Man, but a friend offered to drop by with something she said was even better. Have you guessed? It was the Hitchcock thriller North By Northwest. Cary Grant was O.K., but the soundtrack could have used some more bass in the monitor. Anyway, after NXNW, even a chase scene on Mount Rushmore can't compare to navigating the Music Millennium bus at 1 am after five shows, six bars and seven beers. Now that's thrilling.


Send hot tips and hangover tips to ANN@PORTLANDmercury.com

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