THURSDAY, JANUARY 8

8:00 NBC MY NAME IS EARL

Earl tries to make up for getting his babysitter pregnant. There are worse crimes.

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK

Jack outdoes himself once again when he bangs his mom's nurse (Salma Hayek)!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 9

8:00 NBC HOWIE DO IT

Debut! A new prank reality show hosted by Howie Mandel (which is worse than any prank imaginable).

9:00 SCIFI STARGATE ATLANTIS

Series finale! The very last episode of this nerdtastic series. Give it a 100-geek salute!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 10

10:00 MTV DOUBLE SHOT AT LOVE

The bisexual twins are stunned when a contestant walks off the show, saying, "This just really grosses me out."

SUNDAY, JANUARY 11

8:00 FOX 24

Season premiere! Jack returns to America to find CTU disbanded, and a new lady president that doesn't condone torture. WTF?!

10:00 VH1 TOOL ACADEMY

Debut! Dickhole guys are sent to a relationship bootcamp by their naggy girlfriends. Ahh, love.

MONDAY, JANUARY 12

8:00 FOX 24

Formerly sexy CTU guy Tony Almeida returns with a devious plot to screw over America, but good!

10:00 MTV THE CITY

Whitney finally gets up the nerve to tell her Barry Gibb-lookalike boyfriend to stop playing with his stupid hair!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 13

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

Season premiere! Idol returns with a brand-new female judge. Will Paula wake up long enough to claw her eyes out?

9:00 CBS THE MENTALIST

A high school football star is murdered, presumably by a witch who wanted revenge because he killed her cat. Ohh-kay!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 14

8:00 ABC LOST

Catch up before next week's season premiere with this repeat of the season four finale!

8:00 CW 13—FEAR IS REAL

The contestants are bummed when rats are found in the execution room. Umm... what good is a serial killer who can't kill rats?