THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: THE BRAZILIAN HIGHLANDS

Season premiere! Man, why can't it be the Scottish highlands so they can lop each other's heads off with swords?

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK

In this Valentine's episode, Liz tries to woo the dreamy Jon Hamm! (Back off, hag! He's MINE!!)

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE

Debut! Echo (Eliza Dushku) is hired to be a hostage negotiator. A sexy hostage negotiator, right? That's a good Halloween costume.

10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Titled "No Exit" (perhaps from Sartre's play?), this episode is bound to be another LAFF RIOT!!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

The always-hilarious Alec Baldwin hosts along with creepy teens the Jonas Brothers. Uggh!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 15

8:00 CBS THE AMAZING RACE

Season premiere! The contestants almost get killed in Switzerland, because the country refuses to get involved. GET IT?!?

10:30 HBO EAST BOUND AND DOWN

Debut! Danny McBride (Pineapple Express, The Foot Fist Way) stars as a disgraced pitcher who returns home to teach PE!

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 16

9:00 FOX 24

Tech expert Chloe takes on geeky Janis (Janeane Garofalo) in a compu-tastic nerd-off!

9:00 NBC HEROES

Nathan is investigated by Homeland Security, and—hasn't Obama fired those guys yet?

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

Twelve contestants from the top 36 perform, and viewers are finally allowed to start voting their asses off!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18

8:00 HBO THE WITNESS

An Oscar-nominated documentary featuring recollections from Reverend Samuel Kyles who was with Martin Luther King Jr. when he was assassinated.

9:00 ABC LOST

Ben figures out how to get the Oceanic Six back to the island, and it involves "kicking" and "screaming."