THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 19

8:00 NBC MY NAME IS EARL

Danny Glover guest stars as Darnell's estranged father, and yes, he's getting too old for this shit.

9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

Can the chefs tell the difference between human and animal meat? Let's find out!

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 20

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE

Echo is bummed when she goes on a safari and learns she's the prey. Why does this always happen?!?

10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

The Galactica hires a piano player to liven things up, which promptly makes the ship's suicide rate skyrocket.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 21

8:00 HBO TAKING CHANCE—Movie

(2009) Kevin Bacon is an Iraq War vet who escorts the body of a dead soldier back to the States.

11:00 COM AISHA TYLER IS LIT

Former host of The Soup (and wicked hot) Aisha Tyler delivers her standup act from the Fillmore.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22

5:30 ABC ACADEMY AWARDS

Hugh Jackman hosts, so cue up the LAME Wolverine jokes. SNORE!!!

10:00 HBO FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS

Jemaine and Bret battle over the same girl (SNL's Kristen Wiig) and her epileptic dog.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 23

9:00 TNT THE CLOSER

Season finale! Stupid, selfish criminals keep interrupting what should be Brenda and Fritz's perfect wedding! SOB!

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24

6:00 ALL NETS PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS TO CONGRESS

President Obama implores Americans not to panic—but maybe bolt the doors and load their guns... just in case.

10:00 ANI DARK DAYS IN MONKEY CITY

Debut! A new show about troubled monkey tribes. Roller skates and little red jumpers will cheer them up!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25

8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Season premiere! Tyra chooses her newest crop of models in Las Vegas, which is convenient because they're all drunken strippers anyway.

9:00 ABC LOST

Locke gets off the island and steps into a big pile of dead.