THURSDAY, MARCH 5

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Pam and Jim have an uncomfortable double date with Phyllis and Bob Vance (of Vance Refrigeration). Oh god... is nudity involved?

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK

Liz tries to manipulate a pregnant teenage doughnut shop employee to give up her baby... and a dozen crullers.

FRIDAY, MARCH 6

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE

Echo is imprinted with the personality of a safecracker—and hopefully she'll find the combination to make this a successful show.

10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Three episodes left! May I put in a request for these episodes not to SUCK?

SATURDAY, MARCH 7

9:00 BBCA ASHES TO ASHES

Debut! A spinoff of Life on Mars, a female detective is shot and wakes up in 1981. Totally tubular! (Except for the gunshot wound.)

SUNDAY, MARCH 8

9:00 SHO THE L WORD

Series finale! To find out who murdered Jenny, the entire gang is tossed into jail by cop/lesbian heartthrob Lucy Lawless!

10:30 HBO EASTBOUND & DOWN

Kenny compiles his best major league moments on DVD (though he may want to leave out the time he called New York "JEW York.")

MONDAY, MARCH 9

9:00 ABC CASTLE

Debut! Sexy mystery writer Castle (Nathan Fillion) denies being a serial killer, but admits to being a serial porker.

TUESDAY, MARCH 10

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

The top 12 finalists perform for the first time—however, keep that liquor and gun cabinet locked!

9:00 ABC PRIMETIME: WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Hidden cameras show what normal people do when faced with ethical dilemmas, and unsurprisingly, it ain't pretty.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11

8:00 NBC THE CHOPPING BLOCK

Debut! A bunch of inept cooks compete to impress a dickish limey chef. Why does this sound familiar?

10:00 COM SOUTH PARK

Season premiere! Cartman, Kyle, and a poop-ton of poop jokes return for a poop-tastic 13th season!