THURSDAY, MAY 28

8:00 ABC NATIONAL SPELLING BEE

Bespectacled nerds try to spell words like "clamidi... chlamidi... clamydia...." OH, FORGET IT!!!

8:00 FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE

More auditions means it's "spinal cord severin' time!"

FRIDAY, MAY 29

9:00 ABC EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MONEY

Will Smith, the Jonas Brothers, and Oscar the Grouch offer fun tips on what to do with your foreclosed house.

SATURDAY, MAY 30

10:00 ABC PUSHING DAISIES

Return! Olive reunites with the guys (George Segal and Richard Benjamin) who kidnapped her as a child. AWWW!

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Justin Timberlake hosts this repeat, which you should watch because it's Justin Timberlake.

SUNDAY, MAY 31

8:30 MTV THE HILLS

Season finale! Will Lauren's mustache ruin Heidi and Spencer's wedding? Oh please, oh please, oh please!

9:00 MTV 2009 MTV MOVIE AWARDS

Host Andy Samberg gets slimed by a big tub of green goo... wait. That's Nick's Kid Choice Awards, isn't it? (Same diff.)

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD

Season finale! Walt's secret life as a meth dealer drives his wife to the breaking point. (Nag! Nag! Nag!)

MONDAY, JUNE 1

8:00 NBC I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Season premiere! F-list celebs (including Speidi, and Patti Blagojevich) are dropped into the jungle, where even anacondas are too disgusted to eat them.

TUESDAY, JUNE 2

10:00 ABC EARTH 2100

Want to know what the planet will look like in the year 2100? Think more global warming, and less Terminator robots.

10:00 FX RESCUE ME

Tommy continues to look like an ass, courtesy of Janet's foul-mouthed paraplegic boyfriend (Michael J. Fox).

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 3

10:00 NBC LAW & ORDER

Season finale! A charitable executive is murdered and... wait. What real news story was this ripped off from?

10:30 COM RENO 911!

Season finale! I love this show, but can we please have a spin-off starring "Terry the Roller-skating Prostitute"?